Wedding Recap! And with some pictures, too!

As was mentioned in my previous post (that I was totally going to put up yesterday, and then I got sidetracked...), DH and I are FINALLY married.
It only took nearly 2.5 years!

So let's see...

For 3 days leading up to the wedding we had relatives coming in from out of town.
To be completely honest, I didn't even see a good chunk of mine. I heard from some, or heard they were in town, but I didn't actually see most of them until the reception.

As far as the rehearsal dinner... Long story short, I was pissed off.
If the invitation says 5, then that's when things are supposed to START. Not when people helping do things are supposed to show up.
I got home from work around 3 and found that NOTHING was done. NOTHING. All of the stuff was still in our apartment, nothing was cut up, or open, or anything. Heck, I had to remind DH (then-FH) before I got off work that he was supposed to pick up the key to the apartment clubhouse before the leasing office closed!
In the end, we ended up with people showing up between 5 and 6, things starting around 7, and being done around 8 or so. And I was EXHAUSTED. I barely had time to run up to our place and yank on some clothes, and then by the time we got through with the rehearsal, which really didn't take more than about 10 minutes, all I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. Or puke, take your pick. Sadly, that's what happens when I'm really hungry and keep running around food without being able to grab anything to eat.
I had people asking me what the heck happened as far as timing, because they know I like to be on it as far as when I make schedules. And if I'm not then I get angry. Fast.

As far as the rehearsal goes, I had to do a bit of rethinking. Earlier in the week one of the girls said she wouldn't be able to come to the wedding because they couldn't afford the gas.
So instead of doing couples and singles we just had everyone walk down the aisle by themselves - girl, guy, girl, guy, girl, guy, girl.

Since my sister was outside when the parents were seated, my dad pretended to be her and one of our ushers walked 'her' down the aisle.
Afterwards D laughed because instead of him walking my dad it was more like my dad was walking him.

After the rehearsal dinner I wasted time with R, K, La, D, and F, and then we met up with some of the guys and a few other people for laser tag.
I have never played laser tag before, but it was AWESOME.
The game was MAYBE ten minutes long (I think that's what the timer was set for) but we all felt sweaty and gross afterward from running around like crazy people.

And since I didn't eat at the rehearsal dinner, I got to eat before we played laser tag! While we were waiting on the rest of our group to show up, I ordered some buffalo wings and sat with La.
Well, it took the wings forever to come out. It seems that someone was too stupid to put them on a pan, so when they pulled them out they fell on the floor. Not quite what the first guy told us, but close enough.
A second guy asked us if we'd been helped, and when we told him we were waiting on wings all he did was laugh and go "That's a funny story."
I wanted to say "Gee, thanks, man, I never would've guessed. I'm hungry, give me a refund!" But... when you need food then you need food.
When my food finally came out, some parts of the wings were so burned that you could just peel the breading right off!
It was disgusting, but La and I just laughed.

And then of course we were at a booth with a booster seat, so La tried to sit in it... As she says, she could only "get one ass cheek in!"
Then K came up, and La tried to persuade her to sit in the booster seat, to see if she would fit because she's really small.
Now, K hears from people that she looks young and it really bugs her, so she automatically thought we were talking about her sitting in the seat because she looks young.
When we finally got her to sit in the seat, she couldn't fit in it either!

I wish I'd had my camera to get a picture of her sliding across the booth seat on this booster chair. She sat on the booster seat and just went from one end of the booth to the next, almost like she was trying to pull a Superman on us!
Oh, man, it was something else!

After R and K dropped D off, we all hung out at the apartment. I cranked out some programs right before we went to laser tag, and when we got back we got them all folded and put away, put stuff into boxes, etc.
One by one everyone started dropping off to sleep. I actually didn't get to sleep until 4:30 because I was throwing together our slideshow, and then I got up at 7:30. Got a shower, got dressed, woke everyone up. We took the decorations and everything out to the cars, and then went back inside and did a quick job of making pancakes, bacon, and eggs.

When we finished breakfast I went with F and La to the nail salon and we met up with my sister and L.
I decided to shake things up a bit and instead of the typical white French tips I went with blue ones.
I was also going to go with a design but I completely forgot.

While I'm thinking about it... Next time I go to the nail salon, I'm not going alone!
Granted, I typically don't get my nails done very often to begin with. I think that, including Sunday morning, I've had my nails done maybe all of 5-7 times in my entire life.
But as far as I can tell, it's more fun when you're not going by yourself.

Lesson: if they tell you twenty minutes, don't believe them. They said twenty minutes and it really took closer to an hour.

We finally got up to the venue at about 12, so 2 hours before the ceremony. Ran stuff inside, and did a quick set-up of the ceremony by putting down the aisle runner and flower petals, and then I got to steaming my dress and veil.
And shortly before one I got a phone call from my brother asking if we were still getting married because none of the guys (save our ushers) were there. I called DH and apparently they were running late.

So funny story (except... not funny...)
About a month and a half ago DH and I had the discussion (see also: argument) about whether or not they were supposed to show up early. They were just planning on showing up at 1:30, so basically when the guests were supposed to be showing up. We finally came to an agreement that the guys should start getting there around 12 or so, and then they still ended up showing up around 1:30 on the day of.

The girls were all ready to go, and then around 1:30 or 1:45 or something along those lines I got a note from DH saying that his parents were running late, and that he'd send a note when everyone was ready to go.

One of my aunts followed me around with a plate the whole time I was getting ready because I hadn't eaten very much and wasn't all that hungry.
Yes, the photographer got a picture of her feeding me. No, we don't have those pictures back quite yet. But here's one that my sister got!

At about 2:15 we all went downstairs and everything started.

Thinking back, there were so many other pictures that I wish we'd had... Like going down the stairs instead of the elevator...
Well, what's done is done.

Honestly, I don't remember all that much about the ceremony.
I DO know that I stuffed a tissue down the front of my dress in case I needed it!
As my dad and I were walking down the aisle, I remember him telling me to slow down. And funny thing was, we actually made it in pretty decent time to the music and all. Apparently I was rushing? Hahahahahaha gee, I wonder why!
One thing I definitely remember about the wedding is that at some point I definitely looked at DH and said "You're stuck with me."
That and while we were up there I could hear one of the girls sniffling. But I couldn't turn my head to see who it was! When we were out and I asked who was crying, R goes "It was me, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it!"
lol I'd thought about handing the tissue down my dress to whoever was sniffing, but then I realized that might look a little awkward if I started digging in my boobs during the ceremony!

I didn't cry during the ceremony, even though I thought I would.
Instead, my nose was trying to run during our vows. I thought about pulling out the tissue then, but there was no discreet way for that.

Oh! And apparently people thought we were making out when we went in for our first kiss.
Yeah, no. Never been a big fan of PDA.
We got one smooch with hands down, and then I heard people snickering when I put my arms around his neck.

For the record, there were only about 3 kisses there. And then us talking to each other.

As I mentioned in my previous post, someone told us that they had a lot of fun at our reception, especially considering that there was no alcohol.

If I had the picture of my MIL pretty much falling down while doing the twist, i would DEFINITELY post it! I saw her as she was getting up, but I heard the gasps from people as she went down. And let me tell you, it was funny! (And yes, even she was laughing)
But I DO have a picture of me after I finally managed to chase down my FIL.

I absolutely LOVE his face, especially in the first picture.

It has been decided that my dad is kind of funny when he tries to dance, but he seemed like he was having fun. And he has a decent idea of how to do the Cupid Shuffle!

Oh, and i bawled during our father-daughter dance. We danced to "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman, and as soon as I heard words I just started crying. We got through all of two minutes or something like that and then my dad had someone get DH to cut in so that we weren't crying on each other the whole time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrWMBC6yoME

Also, the bouquet toss was just hilarious! I knew two of the girls, R and La, were gearing up for it. I pointed at R before I turned around and threw it, and then when I actually threw it I heard this battle cry. I swear, an actual BATTLE CRY.
It was kind of scary, and when I turned around and saw them both working to get it, well, I just laughed.
R and La pretty much both got it, so they took a picture together.
Here's the posed one, but there are pictures the photographer got during it and apparently their faces are HILARIOUS!

I don't really have too much else to talk about. I mean, I'm sure I'll think of something else later... But I'm excited to get our pictures back!

FINALLY! 7 days and counting!

I know it's been a while - and I DO mean a while.

I feel bad that it's been nearly two weeks since I last posted... But with that said, FH and I have been MARRIED for the last week!
...
Which means that he's been promoted to "FH" to "DH." Fun stuff, yeah?

It was so weird, I took Friday before the wedding off of work so that I could have a chance to sleep in, and instead like a crazy person I was decorating fifteen fishbowls that I bought with some ribbon and a floating candle to add to our centerpieces because the night before I decided that our centerpieces weren't enough.

And with that said, I've decided that I hate ribbons, bows, and fish bowls. And candles seem to have lost a bit of their novelty. In college we weren't allowed to have candles - which I find to be rather weird because, let's be honest, a good chunk of the campus smokes. So you know SOMEBODY'S got a lighter. That and we had 2 blackouts the week after Easter - and one was late and night and the ENTIRE campus was out, not just bits and pieces. Now, me being the smart girl that I am... I have 5 or 6 flashlights, and there are still some that I would love to get (hello, super mini mag lite and GIANT mag lite? How awesome would that be?). But there were so many people on campus without flashlights that it was ridiculous.
Although I must say, we were pretty awesome. Because I had so many flashlights and Ri had at least one, maybe two, we had this whole set-up where we could go to the bathroom and not need to leave the door open for light. It was kind of amazing.

ANYWAY!
Now that we've been married for almost a week (give it a few hours!), I'm still trying to ease my way into getting used to the word "husband." There are moments where it suddenly clicks in my brain and in my head I go "Oh, God, I'm MARRIED! And I married HIM, of all people! Well, in a GOOD way, obviously, but HOLY GEEZ!"

I've decided that my next post will be a wedding recap (complete with some pics that people took!) and a question just (re-)occurred to me... Why is it that people think they can go "So, how was your wedding night?" or "Did you guys have a good time after the wedding?"
I'm sorry, but that's just AWKWARD! Especially when some of the people asking are your own RELATIVES - and I don't mean siblings or cousins close in age or anything.
Now, I know that most people don't have sex on their wedding night because, let's face it, they're tired. Heck, our entire event only went for 4 hours, and we were exhausted. Some people have longer weddings and receptions. And I mean much much MUCH longer - you wouldn't believe how many people were amazed that our reception would be at MOST about 3.5 hours long once people left the ceremony and went across the hall while we were taking pictures. From what i've heard from other brides, most have a reception that's at LEAST five hours long, and some even have receptions that go until like one in the morning... A little nuts, if you ask me, but I've never really been all that big a fan of partying to begin with.

That said, I wish people would realize how awkward it is to ask someone about how their wedding night went, especially if you're not close. Or maybe you're close, but not like a best-friends-sharing-secrets kind of close. It's just really disturbing.

One relative (I forget whether it was DH's or mine... probably one of his aunts) said that was the most fun they've ever seen people have at a reception WITHOUT alcohol.

Hey, I'll take the compliment! Because honestly, I was worried how people would feel about the lack of alcohol... But we weren't going to have the reception be long enough for people to drink at the beginning and then dry out toward the end. And at the time, neither of us were old enough to drink. DH's birthday was Tuesday, 2 days after the wedding, so he's old enough now... But we definitely don't have regrets about not having alcohol.

...
I don't feel like I'll only have 2 posts today... There's so much I could talk about! And, me being me, I feel that each thing deserves its own post. It's no secret that I talk a lot!

7 days!

...
Oh, wow. I typed that, and then I remembered watching the movie The Ring not too long after it first came out on DVD (I was 12, almost 13). Yay for stupid movies. I saw it once, and never again.

Anyway, the wedding is a week from today!

People keep asking me if we have everything ready to go, and my response is pretty much the same every time: "Just about."

Frankly, I'm looking forward to the wedding because, in addition to getting married, it means that I can get the boxes of wedding stuff AWAY from my side of the bed and OUT of the apartment. I'm looking forward to having a little bit of cleanliness, or at least more than I've got when I'm stashing flowers, favors, bridal party gifts, etc. It'll be nice.

I still have to put ribbons on the favors and find little stickers for them, and pick up the engraved stuff from Things Remembered on Tuesday.

I went with one of the girls (L) up to the mall last night to get our toasting flutes and the vase I picked up for my mom engraved. And while I was at Things Remembered, I figured I might as well get FH's birthday present there and get it engraved, since it was half off with any purchase and his birthday is 2 days after we get married.
Well, lo and behold getting his gift engraved was the same price as the gift was originally. The whole thing was about $50. Getting the vase engraved was $63. And the flutes were $21 apiece.

Needless to say, I was in shock for quite a while. I still can't believe that I spent nearly $200 on engraving... granted, it was only 4 pieces engraved, and I bought one of them in the store. And the flutes were free after FH and I sat our behinds through at least 2 hours of a Celebrity China presentation (unless they were the ones that we got without the presentation because they guy said he would tell us about the company and let us go because he'd been up for about 18 hours by that point in time and just wanted to sleep). The vase was $4...
I guess I can only complain so much, because if it were a $20 vase and if we'd paid, well, $30 for the flutes... I guess it all kinda evens out in the end.

I keep telling myself that because, quite frankly, dropping that much money at once (or in one day), and even a fairly large amount of money... It makes me cringe. I met L in DSW after I got done with it all, and I saw one of the guys we went to high school with, and frankly I couldn't really think of anything to talk about. You know, other than "What the heck did I just do?"

Well, that's all I've got for now.

8 more days living the single life

(not like "the single life" really means anything to me. lol I haven't done that in nearly 4 years)

I feel kind of bad. I haven't posted in nearly a week. But better late than never.

Earlier this week (Monday, I believe), FH and I went and picked out a couch! It's this really pretty lighter green. I'm super excited for it to arrive on Wednesday!

It's wonderful when we find things that appeal to us both. We walked through so many couches, saw so many potential ones, a lot that we hated, and WAAAAAAY too many that were seriously overpriced. But eventually we found something.

That said, the wedding is in 8 days. Dad told me to tell the caterer to prepare for 100 people when we only had 75 on the list. Well, I decided to save him $100 (give or take) and tell them 90. Well now there are 77 on the list - but we're still doing rather well! That allows for random people form church to show up, which I'm sure will probably happen. And if not, well, our guests can...

Oh crap. I just realized that I bought a wedding cake that feeds 160. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE EXTRA PIECES?????

I need to call the cake place and see if it's too late to scale the number down or something... The whole thing is already paid for, though... At least everybody will be able to get 2 slices per person. But who's seriously going to eat that much?
...
I think I need to go buy some little cake slice boxes to people can take pieces with them.

Well, as I was saying before I thought about the cake problem, if there are slightly fewer than 90 people, at least everybody will be able to have extras if they so desire. And if there are more than 90, well, somebody better not be eating because they should've told me they were showing up. Ugh.

I hate to admit it, but I had to request this coming Friday off of work.
The reason: I'm exhausted.
And it's not even from wedding stuff! What's even worse is that I'll only be getting about 34-35 hours of work this week! Which makes me feel like a total chump, until I remember that I'm probably trying to recover from my near-60 or 60+ hours last week. I don't remember which... I think it was about 58.

I can't be an effective CAREGiver if I'm exhausted.
So I took Friday off. I'm going to try to sleep in, maybe paint my toenails, and take one of my aunts shopping for shoes for the wedding if she hasn't found some by the time they fly in late Friday afternoon.

I'm also going to do all I can to avoid the relatives. Nothing says stress like "Victoria, I can't BELIEVE you're getting married! Are you nervous? Excited? What's your dress look like? How are you doing your hair? I can't believe it! Are you ready? Do you have a veil? Where are you guys going on a honeymoon? I'm so happy and excited for you!"
I love my relatives, but WOW. hahahahahaha. I wouldn't trade them for the world, but recently the "are you nervous" question is actually making me nervous! What the heck?

I've heard "Are you nervous?" so many times that I think my brain has started going "They're asking if you're nervous... Maybe you're SUPPOSED to be nervous... Hello, this is a life-changing event! Granted, you've had over 2 years to think about this, BUT STILL!"

And then comes Saturday! (That is, not today but a week from today.)
I'll work that morning, get off at 2:30, and head back to the apartment to get things ready for the rehearsal and dinner. Then after the rehearsal/dinner we're gonna go play LASER TAG!!!
I still have to get the passes for that, but I'm excited because instead of paying $25 for every five people, it'll only be $10!
After laser tag the girls and I are just going to chill back at the apartment. Maybe paint some nails, watch a movie, have some snacks... And CRASH. Cuz there is no freaking way that I want to be up all night after a day like that.

While I'm thinking about it... I'll have to see if the girls would like to go out to breakfast the next morning or if they'd rather me cook at the apartment or what. At least a year ago when I was living with 3 of them we'd talked about going to IHOP or Village Inn the next morning. Looks like it's about time to see what's on the agenda!

I still need to get place cards and a seating chart done, and take the cake decorations to the cake place. And buy some more ribbon for our favors. We're meeting with the DJ on Monday to discuss songs, and hopefully I'll have a processional picked out by then. Other than that... I think that's it. And if not, well, we'll get it taken care of.

T-15!!

I ordered the rest of the stuff for our wedding cake in the last, I dunno, twenty minutes or so.

My dress has been altered.
All of the girls have their dresses.

All of the guys have been fitted (well, I *think* all of the guys have been. I need to message a few.)
...
And messaging said few? Complete.

I'm going shopping with FMIL after work today to help her find a dress for the wedding!
Not even gonna lie, I'm pretty excited for this. A little scared, but excited nonetheless.

And if I get off work early enough, we're going to go pick up my wedding ring!
I need to snag FH's from him so I can take it to the store to get it checked out before the end of the month. It's due for inspections every 6 months or the warranty(?) I paid extra for will pretty much cease to exist.

Update on the guys getting fitted!
Only 2 left, and I think they'll be getting that done no later than tomorrow.
My brother apparently got fitted a couple weeks ago. I should've known that he would already have it done.
...
I would insert a smiley face there, but italicized colons and parentheses don't look very good when put together.

We still need to pick out songs, though.

The plan is that after I get off work I'm going to the apartment, then the bank, shopping with FMIL, to the jewelry store for FH's ring, back to the apartment for cleaning, picking out songs...

I'm looking forward to the wedding, but I'll be immensely glad when my life doesn't revolve around accomplishing wedding-related tasks.

15 days!

A way to restore your faith in people

So I'm just going to make the assumption that FH does a rather nice job in choosing his friends.

That's not to say that I don't have some pretty awesome friends myself because, let's face it, I love my friends some kinda fierce.

And I wouldn't trade them for the world.

But this morning/afternoon I had a flashback to freshman year in college, where this jackass talked over me the whole time I tried to explain something and didn't bother to let me get a word in edgewise. And after he left I just bawled.

Needless to say, my next two years of college up through graduation... I hated his guts.
He's a pompous jerk, and is apparently only nice when he's smoking weed. No joke. It was weird when I heard that, especially when I heard that he could be nice AND not be a smarmy jerk about it.

And this flashback came about because of... My cousin. Yup, my own flesh and blood.

She has decided to pull herself out of the wedding. And I'm finding that I don't care. I cared more about whether or not people I cared about would be there, regardless of whether or not they're standing up there  with us.
Then she said she's not coming, and that she wished she hadn't wasted her money on a ticket.

Ok, ouch.

THEN she said she was done with me and called me a bitch.

And with that, I can guarantee you that she is not welcome at our wedding or anywhere NEAR our apartment, I don't care if she gets on the plane or not.

There's far more to the story, including -you guessed it!- her not listening to a word I had to say.

But I'm through with it.

I finalized our wedding cake today!
I would've gone with FH, but he got his wisdoms out this morning. I ran a few ideas by him, and then just went with those and had the cake baker/decorator help out with a few ideas here and there.
It's similar to this, but with some definite changes:

I went and bought some of the decor for our cake, and I'll be getting the rest of it taken care of tonight after work.

Sometimes people amaze me.
Just this morning I was saying to FMIL that I hate people.
No offense to anybody reading this. I really like some people. But sometimes people just make me want to smack them. HARD.

Then FH's best woman in the wedding (well, other than me, but you know what I mean! hahaha) texted me saying she was excited for the wedding. And one of the ushers texted me to ask about what his guest should wear, and THEN he told me he was sure I would look beautiful in my dress.
Yeah, I'm a softie. And that totally made my day.

And I've been getting more work in so, while it's been tiring (we're talking that between late Saturday night and the end of tonight I'll have gotten at least 40 hours, and with this weekend I'll have just over 60 if I added correctly)... It's making me feel so much better that the next paycheck in will be rather decent as far as us taking care of rent and all. I mean, even though I know we'll be fine either way, it's still nice to have that extra little bit of security blanket.

I can't believe that we're getting married in 16 days.
Yeah, that's all for now.

It's been a long time. Well, sorta.

Ok, so it's only been about a week since I've posted, but I really feel like it's been so much longer.

FH and I moved into our apartment on Friday. The view is certainly something else.

I'm not going to lie, though, the moving has been a pain in the butt.

But it was an eventful weekend! First moving, then seeing a baseball game that night! Now, normally I don't like baseball, but I had fun.
And the tickets were completely free, which was kinda weird, but we definitely enjoyed it!
FH and I also got our marriage license that morning. You know, before the packing and unpacking, and sweating it out.

And it seems like nothing is going according to plan.

I'm more than a little frustrated.
I've been getting called for work more often now, which is awesome. My next paycheck will be looking quite nice. And I should've taken some of the other offered jobs, except for the fact that then it would've left me either half an hour or an hour and a half between shifts!

I feel like I keep nitpicking about everything, and not just about work. I have to remind myself that I'm learning to live with someone, and I haven't had to do that in 2 years because I lived with the same 3 females last year that I did the year before!

I have noticed that there are some things that are my way or the highway... And I've stopped to think about whether these things are really all that important. And while they may not be "all that important," they do bug the hell out of me.
So like a good little girl, I speak my mind now because if I don't then I know there will be hell later when I finally lose my mind.

And let's face it, I despise cleaning. But I like having clean places.

I graduated from college on Saturday. To make a quick summary of it:
I got there at 8:15 for line up, stood around until ten, my feet hurt, I got my diploma cover and smiled, there was a wasp on the kid in front of me (FREAKY!!!!!), a kid in my row killed the wasp with his diploma cover and the other guy's mortarboard, I strutted back out for the recessional (and I do mean strutted. There's this wedding picture of my sister and her husband where she looks smug as can be - I'm pretty sure I had the same facial expression).

Apparently I can't post that picture, so instead here's a picture of me and one of my roommates!

Oh, how I miss cheese and potato time... And we match, too! But I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks, so it's all good!

Now that graduation's over, it's been about getting back to work.
And cleaning. Ugh.

Our place isn't anywhere near as much of a mess as it used to be. Thank God.
The mound by our front door has greatly diminished, but I still have some work to do on it since it's my stuff.
At least, it was last I checked. LOL I'm sure FH doesn't have a bag of nail polish.

And now for a quick wedding vent from yours truly:
Why don't people send in their RSVPs on time?
Let's face it: my dad's the one paying for the food, so it's not like it's my money.

But at the same time, why should I waste my father's money because someone has decided not to stick a pre-stamped card in the mail with their name(s) and a number on it.
For that matter, why should I waste my father's money at all? That'd be rude of me, and it's frustrating when the RSVP date was a few days ago.

Granted, the date was Sunday so I've got to give it some slack there.
And slack I give.
But for real. I don't like surprises, and neither does my father. And at $13/person, surprises of extra people showing up are NOT good surprises on the checkbook, no matter how nice it would be to see them (that is, see the people).

On top of other things, but we're not even going there.

Well, now it's movie time and Starbucks for Frappuccino Happy Hour with one of the roomies and then more of us just being AWESOME!

Sittin' on top of the world

Actually, I'm not sitting on top of the world, in a manner of speaking.

Where am I?
I'm actually sitting in my bathroom floor, listening to my wedding dress drip dry.

Why, you may ask?
Well, I decided I was going to handwash it.

Actually, it was a very productive day in that regard. I found a drying rack at Target, which was something I'd planned to get anyway (yay for a place to put bras!). I also picked up a fairly cheap garment steamer, which I'll use on my veil (or will return if it just sucks). And I bought a new iron!
It's sad, my iron was just getting a little old or something. I was ironing some fabric to heat it up before using an iron-on transfer for an embroidery pattern (yes, I know how to embroider - and I actually DO it), and next thing I know there's this weird black smudge on my fabric! And to make it better, I have no idea where it came from! I'd been having the issue all that evening, and I was carefully wiping my iron off before using it... yet there was this nasty black sludge stuff on it anyway!

Today FH and I went shopping. FMIL (btw, that's future mother-in-law) took us to the case lot sale at the commissary as well as general grocery shopping as part of our wedding present. YEAH 60 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER! (and they're all double rolls, too!)
I can live without spices, but toilet paper is a necessity in my life.
I know we got sage, oregano, nutmeg, basil, salt, ginger, and a few other spices. I can't remember what other spices we got (I already have whole peppercorns and a few other things), but I DO know that picking out spices was just ridiculously HARD! I was looking at them and realizing that i have most of the spices on the shelf at home... But I never use them!
My FMIL is pretty much awesome for setting us up like this.

Actually, both sets of parents are being pretty awesome. My dad's covering the venue and food, and we're getting some of my parents' old furniture. His parents are getting us new furniture, a washer and dryer, and stuff of that sort.

...
And the wedding dress continues to drip dry.
...

I think it's finally starting to hit me that I'm getting married in a month. More specifically, after midnight it'll be "I'm getting married in 4 weeks!"

But that's not the scary part.
The scary part is the fact that FH and I are moving into our apartment on Friday - 6 days from now!
AND I'll be walking at the graduation ceremony in a WEEK!

I'm so excited, but at the same time it stresses me out.

I'm graduating from college, going from having 3 jobs to having one, and the one job is a job that doesn't even guarantee me hours!
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it just makes me so unnerved.

FH promised he'd help me find a job in my field of interest, since I just can't seem to find anything... or the jobs that i DO find that interest me, I'm not qualified for (I'm not a CNA, nor do I currently have the time or the money to take the classes at this moment in order to become certified), I can't/won't make it work (one place actually told me I wouldn't be able to further my education due to the demands of the job, and another had shift hours that would be in the evening - which is when I'm trying to take classes in order to have a full-time day-time job!), or for some reason they just don't want me! (and then don't bother to tell me WHY they don't want me)
I honestly fail to see why I wasn't called for a job interview to be the Activities Director at this assisted living facility near here. I've got the experience as an Activities Assistant at another facility. I had experience in the Social Services department, so I know some of the things to do and not to do. I'm a caregiver. I'm CPR certified. And now I'm companion aide certified!
...
Maybe it was just the fact that I wouldn't have been available until after graduation...

You know what the best part is? Only one job I applied to actually told me they didn't want me. Every other job keeps me guessing, and then finally I just have to give up.

Sitting in the floor gets me nowhere in life. And it makes my butt hurt after a while. I'm off to do laundry.

Eloping sounds better every day. I blame the movies.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to get married.

But at the same time, I'm sick of wedding planning.
I'm sick of worrying about paying vendors, getting fitted, making sure everybody has their clothes, buying decorations, wondering when people are going to stick the damn RSVPs in the mail when I stuck a stamp on every single little envelope after paying $1.05 between RSVP stamps and invitation stamps, keeping track of dates like when we have to finalize the wedding cake, keeping track of the guys as far as them all getting fitted - heck, I can't even remember what guys are wearing are wearing what color vest and tie! I only remember the color of the vest and tie FH is wearing and what color our dads are wearing.

I'd much rather eat string cheese and yogurt, and dance the samba and the cha cha all day - which works, because I'm rather fond of all of those.

And I'm sick of the girls who can talk about NOTHING but planning their weddings and how much their love their fiancés and all that mess.
I just want to be like "HELLO, DO YOU HAVE A LIFE? WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE YOU GOT ENGAGED?????????"

Yes, planning a wedding is exciting, but that doesn't mean you should lose your brain and not be able to competently talk about nothing else.

Frankly, I'm beginning to think that weddings are overrated, and they cost way too much anyway. Especially if you're not getting married in a church.
And believe me, we're not getting married in a church.
Even as a little girl I never saw myself getting married in a church. I was more of the "outdoors-in-a-flower-garden, take-your-allergy-medicine, watch-out-for-the-bees!!" wedding vision.
If I traded that in for a church, then I had my heart set on stained glass windows.

Well, that didn't happen, but I'm rather pleased with how it did end up working out.

I'm so sick of things not going as planned.
I blame the movies.
Because you expect everything to be perfect. Right? Right.
But in all reality, it's not perfect.

Leading up to the day there's all this stress.
I've only taken off the wedding day for work, because financially it's the only thing that works for me, as I'll already be taking off two other days that month - one day for moving into our apartment and the very next day for graduation.
And that's going to take a big chunk out of my paycheck, which does not please me at ALL.

And when you tell people this, they look at you like "Have you lost your mind? You're going to be MARRIED, a NEWLYWED! Why are you going into work if you can take it off?"
Because let's face it, there are bills to be paid.

Yeah, that's the part that movies don't tell you about.
Paying bills.
What if one or both of you sucks at dancing, or you can't agree on a first dance song, or one wants to choreograph and the other one doesn't?
What you do when you can't afford to take off work?
They ignore that the hotel rooms that give you the flower petals and the sparkling cider and the whole romance deal? Yeah, those are over $200 a night. Believe me, I checked.
They don't tell you what happens when you GET to the hotel (other than what people typically think of when they think of getting to the hotel after getting married... oh, don't make me say it! ... Ok, ok, having sex, you know that whole deal).
So you're not thinking about parking the car, or dragging your luggage inside. You expect that it'll all magically be set up!
But no. You have to carry in your luggage, unless you decided to have things already at the hotel (like your wedding dress bag, your clothing for the next day, some pajamas, toothbrush, toothpaste, maybe some sensible shoes!).
You have to park the car, unless you decide to pay $18 for valet parking.
Yes, $18. I looked this up.
And movies keep you thinking some mess about being carried over the threshold when, in all reality, you're both probably tired and chances are he has no desire to be picking you up in a dress that probably adds an extra 20 or 30 pounds of weight to you, if not more if you decided you wanted to go the route of hardcore princess-y ballgown with lots of fluff.
And from what I've heard, sex is kind of messy. As in, you have to put down a towel or you change the sheets right after or something. Ooooookkkkkkkkkkkk, yeah, you never hear about that in movies.

Let's face it, I can pretend all I want to that this doesn't bug me, but I'm a little upset at the prospect of not having a honeymoon. Movies lead you to believe that you get married and you leave for your honeymoon the very next day or a couple days after the wedding or something.
Well, there are a number of couples who are waiting to take their honeymoons - anywhere from a month later to having it as a trip for their first anniversary!
But if you didn't know that and you either weren't having a honeymoon or were having a delayed one, you end up thinking there's something wrong with you.

Because if we're being honest, sometimes people can't afford everything you hear about in the movies.
And movies glamorize weddings far too much.

Yes, weddings are exciting.
Yes, it's wonderful to be able to marry someone you care about so much.
Yes, it really shouldn't be this big of a deal.
But yes, it still bums you out.

People who talk about going to Mexico, the Bahamas, France, Italy, Spain, Hawaii (particularly if you live on the other end of the United States), Disney World...
Yeah, I'm a huge fan of Disney World, and probably always will be no matter how old I get...
But they don't preface this with "Not everybody can afford this, so you may not be able to try this at home."

And then when I mention this to FH, because he manages to get it out of me that I'm upset about a lac of honeymoon - because every newlywedded couple goes on a honeymoon, right? - he suggests taking out a loan for beforehand, paying it back ASAP once he works more hours during the summer, and us having a honeymoon.
Except I'm of the belief that if you have to take out a loan to a honeymoon or a wedding, well, you probably shouldn't be doing it to begin with.
End of discussion.
I can wait for years to go back to Disney World or Vegas if it means that we don't have to pay back a loan that was taken out specifically for that.
It's called a vacation for a reason. Meaning you should be able to take it without worrying every second about how you're going to pay it back. Maybe for a moment worry about work and making up hours or something, but not about how you're going to pay back the vacation you're on.

Maybe I'm just jaded. We've been engaged for 2 years and just over 4 months - and we're not getting married for another month yet.
I'm so sick of weddings that it's oozing out of my pores.
I thought it was exciting that Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married exactly one month before us.
Now I'm just ready for talk of weddings to be over, so i can get on with life.

With my husband and our dog, of course, provided that we take the dog with us, but nonetheless.

This whole wedding planning thing is just stupid now, and it just makes me want to go in the shower and cry.

Nobody ever tells you that wedding planning will be such a headache.

...
Ok, I think the stress of finals and term papers is getting to me.
Because once you get past being concerned about jobs and the apartment and bills... Let's face it, I'm not really all that concerned about the wedding.
I really do NOT want to even LOOK at my thesis for my seminar class. She bled all over EVERYBODY'S paper - in blue ink, no less! (Honestly, I just thought that was kind of weird. Yes, our school color is blue so in a sense we "bleed blue," but if you're bleeding on a paper then why not do it in red ink? Or at least something that stands out from black a little bit more than blue ink does!)
And my paper for Experimental Psychology... I'd be lying if I said I'd started on it.

Although in all reality, I just changed my topic last week. Originally I was going to do it on sensory deprivation and isolation tanks (which I think was somewhere along the lines of you lose one sense and the others become sharper), but when it came down to it that was just a topic that I picked because I really couldn't find anything else more interesting to talk about.
And it's kind of hard to get up the motivation to work on a paper when you don't give a damn about it.

So I changed my paper to being about the use of animals in research.
I have to write an outline, and then do the paper... My paper is due on Saturday.

::Insert little kid whine::
"I don't WANNA!"

Ok now that's enough of that.
I think it's time for string cheese and yogurt.
And to actually make an attempt at my term papers. I mean, I DO graduate in... let's see, it's not quite midnight, so 11 days.

You know, instead it might actually be time for bed. I dunno.

Toodles.

I'm getting really sick of RSVPs...

And our RSVP date isn't for 2.5 weeks!

But for real... I've got one bridesmaid telling me she may bring two guests, but isn't sure. Finally I said something along the lines of I don't know if both of them would be able to come, if it was just one then i would be more understanding but if the two of them would be ok not coming.

HELLO, I ONLY INVITED YOU!!!!

You don't just TELL me you're bringing a guest! And it took a while for her to even tell me WHY. If she'd just said "Hey, these two people will be tag-team driving me back because I can't drive and need a way to get to the wedding, can they come to the wedding or is that not ok?" then that's different! And apparently recently she's gotten into the bad habit of telling people stuff that she really needs to ask permission for to begin with, like bringing these two people to a margarita night after the wedding, a night that another roommate's mom is doing for her daughter's CLOSE FRIENDS after the wedding (see also: mom is doing it for that bridesmaid, the roommate - her daughter and also a bridesmaid-, another roommate/bridesmaid, and an usher/close friend) AND she said something along the lines of "We could just leave afterward" - which implies drunk driving, AND which makes that friend AND her mom liable, on top of the drunk driving issue.

Furthermore, I don't know one of your "guests," the one who doesn't know ANYBODY coming to the wedding except like two people, I'm not too fond of her anyway from what I have heard (and I've heard a lot, especially because I LIVE with this bridesmaid and they're ALWAYS on the phone - and this girl is LOUD on the phone, so I hear it all). And for all i know this girl might decide to bring her weed with her! Best part is that I'm not joking...
And I'm not too fond of your other "guest," because even though she's nice, she brings too much drama to the damn bedroom we share! I'm sorry, but a 10'x10' bedroom is barely big enough for the both of us WITHOUT you moving in someone else's SHIT "because her parents might take it" - HOW OLD IS SHE???? AND I'M SICK OF HER CRYING EVERY TIME!

Our program attendant said she might bring her mom as a guest. Ok, I'm more understanding with this one, because while I didn't give her a "guest" option (we only gave 2 people a "guest" option, because one practically demanded it and the other wouldn't know many people), she also doesn't know the area very well, and would probably be more comfortable navigating the area with her mom there.
I told her that if it comes down to it then she can always stay the night before the wedding at our apartment and we could figure it out from there. Which means she has the option of not bringing her mom and hot having to stay alone.


(This next girl I'm not mad at, just frustrated that we're trying to plan things and we don't really know what to plan)
Now I've got another bridesmaid who I talked about before who may have to bring her mom and her mom's friend with her - but she told me they probably weren't attending the wedding. They'd just be coming because she's never even been to this state before, let alone this far north.
Ok, whatever. I can understand that, because she's a couple months older than me (she'll be 21 a couple weeks before the wedding), and while my dad probably wouldn't demand to come with me if I was in a situation like this, he would be on the phone with me every morning, every night, checking in and seeing how things are going.
THEN she told me that instead she was bringing a friend (which I'd said ok to AGES ago) so she and the friend were driving up.

NOW she's telling me that her mom has decided they're flying, AND her mom and her mom's friend may come - and they "probably" aren't coming to the wedding.
I know it's not her fault, but I can't help her find a hotel to stay in if they don't know exactly when they'll be coming.

Ok, LOOK NOW. I only invited one person. ONE. If there's only one name on the invitation, then that's the only person invited!!!!!
Inviting ONE doesn't mean everybody can come.
And "probably" doesn't tell me anything. Probably means there's still a chance that we're paying for extra people.

By "we," I mean my dad, because he said he'd take care of the food. But I promised my dad that I would do everything I can to keep the costs down.
Yeah, $13/person isn't the end of the world, but when you get to about 200 people coming, and most of it's family, then YES, that's a LOT of money!
We don't have all the space in the world! Not everybody can show up just because they feel like it!

GIVE ME AN ANSWER AND BE DONE WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!

Let me clarify: I'm not against people bringing guests. If they want one that badly then they can at least ASK me nicely (and the last bridesmaid I mentioned has done that), but I'm so sick of people saying they don't know if they'll be bringing guests.
Money doesn't grow on trees! (actually, isn't it made of cotton or something???)

THEN you get the people with their "I didn't get my invite yet!"
I'm sorry, but WHAT? Ok, if you didn't get your invite yet, and you said this to me, and I haven't said anything about "Oh, maybe it got lost in the mail" or "Sorry, I haven't gotten to it yet," then chances are YOU'RE NOT INVITED!
ESPECIALLY because the person that had the nerve to say this to me is a person that gave me her address "for her invite," and I TOLD her that based on space because of the number of family being invited, I didn't know whether or not I would be able to invite her.
Which is true, but also having her there would just be too much damn drama. I had enough of it when I lived with her for a semester of school, and then whenever she stopped going to school but still came crying about every little detail. My roommates and I all blocked seeing her Facebook statuses because they were all manic-depressive with either "Loving my life" or "WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO BADLY?" And most of them were negative, because she kept blowing it up to be something massive. She got engaged, broke it off, complained, and then got engaged to another guy, and broke THAT one off, too - within the span of two months!

And then other people with their "Well, mark me down as coming!"
Um, can I PLEASE get back an RSVP first? Not only because I stuck the damn stamp on the envelope, but because it'd be nice to have a HARD copy of everyone coming. With 100+ invites out, there's no guarantee that I'm going to remember every single person coming if they tell me, I don't care HOW we're related!
Oh, AND they haven't bought their plane tickets yet, so there's really no guarantee there anyway! I understand they're going to TRY (one of these people is an aunt helpiing pay for the wedding cake as a gift), but EVERY SINGLE TIME they make some headway on finding plane tickets, something comes up (usually it being her reading the thing wrong and thinking things are cheaper than they actually are).

I just want to be like PLEASE send me back the RSVPs. PLEASE.
But knowing my luck i would say someone's NOT attending because they didn't bother with the freaking paper, and then they'd show up anyone and THEN where would we be, other than probably facing fees for extra people not included in the head count.

And all through this I keep reminding myself that not breathing is for dead people.

Oh, and my advisor OR the department chair of the program I'm starting next year for grad school won't pick up their phones (yes, I've sent an email and I've gotten to the "I'm calling you every five minutes or else!" phase), so i can't sign up for classes since my advisor gave me the INCORRECT information, so I'm already kinda irritated.

"Well, we're movin' on up to the east side..."

This weekend was a pretty interesting one as far as timelines.

And freaking out, but that's for later.

FH and I move into the apartment 3 weeks from this past Friday.

I graduate 3 weeks from this past Saturday.

And we get married 6 weeks from yesterday.

I'm excited, but I'm still nervous.

We've got things planned out, what's going on when.

FH and i are looking into joining accounts later this week - or at least some of them. I think what may end up happening is that we end up with one credit card (or two, not quite sure), we share one checking account and one savings account, and then I believe that we'll each have our own checking accounts from there.

We'll have to figure out how that's going.

I'm sick of people having hissyfits about my shoes for the wedding.

They're not the ones wearing them, and if they really don't like them then they don't have to look. I'm not getting my dress hemmed just so you don't have to look at my shoes the entire time.

Think of it this way: If you're staring at my shoes the whole time then either they look good or you need to get out for being more concerned about my damn shoes than the fact that my sweetie and I are getting married.

And they need to quit making assumptions about them. I'm tired of having to defend my decisions. Mind you, I've told very few people, if any, anything shoes-related.

The end.

I don't know why I suddenly realized this (as opposed to thinking about it ages ago), but my last big paycheck is this week. I mean from the job I'm keeping, where I get the majority of my hours.

I'm still going to get my paychecks from the job I have on-campus as well as the one that I have closer to the school, but combined they won't be as large as the one that I'm expecting this coming week.

And I won't get another (larger) paycheck until two days after we move in.

Oh, and get this: I CAN'T FIND MY PAPERWORK TO TURN IN FOR MY HOURS!!!!! Which means if I can't find that... I don't know if they'll pay me until two days AFTER FH and I move in to our apartment. WHAT THE HECK!!!

Rent. Pet deposit. Utilities. No pet rent each month, based on the fact that we get at least that much discounted for being students.

Thankfully we'll have some groceries and whatnot taken care of.

And for everything else, there's Dollar Tree! (you'd be surprised what worthwhile things you can find - just don't buy the garbage bags, because $1 for 6 or 7 bags is a waste of money, to be completely honest)

We still need a shower curtain.

Yeah, I'm getting sick of counting. That's really about all I've been doing. I guess once the pet deposit is taken care of then it won't be as bad, but then after the wedding there's, let's see... insurance. Car insurance. Health insurance. Renters insurance.

I'm so glad my class at 8 was cancelled.

I have work tonight at 6:30.

And there's nothing like realizing that you're really getting ripped off when you go to work. Nothing like it at all.

But we're not going to go into detail about all of that.

For now... I just want my advisor to pick up the phone so that she can remove my academic advising hold - mind you, she told me that I would NOT need to talk to her in order to sign up for classes. Gee, THANKS!

My advisor's sweet, but they WOULD give me the lady who can't pick up the phone or reply to emails.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT I'M DOING NEXT SEMESTER, THANK YOU!!!!!

I'm ready for something positive to happen. Like my advisor picking up the phone. I've seriously been calling her about every five minutes or so. I'm sick of this.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Rude Brides (Ok, pet peeve of forever, really!)

Monday one of my ushers said to me that another usher would be on crutches for the wedding. Which I hadn't quite thought about, but it is quite reasonable. I mean, he DID just have knee surgery some time in the last 3-ish weeks!

Well, yesterday (I think it was yesterday??) the usher we were talking about wheeled up to me as I was getting a snack from our school's coffee shop, and told me that he'll probably be on crutches for the wedding.
Naturally I didn't look surprised.
I told him that if he wanted to sit there in his wheelchair and look cute then I'd be more than ok with it.
He insisted that since he's an usher he's going to do what he's supposed to, but he'll just be doing it on crutches.

And then he felt the need to tell me that it's possible he might have his knee brace on over his tux pants (likely won't fit underneath pant leg), and he'll also have to see what his doctor says.

Um, ok?
Look, if you have to wear your brace then you have to wear your brace.
Don't feel the need to kill yourself or injure yourself or anything just to stand up my wedding.

And I told him that I was more concerned about him being there.

You know what he said?
He said he was glad, because he's a groomsman in another wedding like FOUR MONTHS after mine, and that this girl would probably flip out on him if he told her he might be on crutches/in his wheelchair/have a brace outside of his pants on her wedding day.

Mind you that this girl is supposed to consider him to be like her OLDER BROTHER!

Seriously, you're going to freak out over someone taking care of themselves but still trying to do what they can to stand up there with you on YOUR FREAKING WEDDING DAY?
You're going to throw a hissy because he's on crutches or has a leg brace outside of his pants?

Instead why don't you shut up, give him a hug, and say "Thanks, I really appreciate it?"

Because for real? There is no requirement for him to be standing his behind up there with you guys, or even for him to be wheeled up there or whatever.
You wanted him there because he's close to you, and you're SUPPOSED to be thinking of him like your brother. He's there for you because he cares about you.

I don't understand how she could even be comfortable with that train of thought!
(and seriously, if she's getting married 4 months after me, she has nearly 6 months to go... there's no guarantee he'll even be on crutches then... but still! You know what I mean)

Look, I understand that sometimes things don't go the way you want.
I understand that you want things to be perfect.
Heck, I understand because I'm planning a wedding, too, and I want it to be perfect.

But as long as I get married to my sweetheart and as long as the people we love and who love and support us are there then I'll be happy.
I'd LIKE for everything to be perfect, but at the end of the day my flowers are fake, my skin is horrible from years of acne and will be covered in make-up (which I hate), the cake will be awesome, and the decorations will be minimal, but FH loves me for who I am and I love him, and we're getting married while we're surrounded by our friends and family.

...
Oh, and I want pictures. Because pictures are nice, even after the day has come and gone. And I want to be able to remember it as best I can in 50 years.

And if he's in a wheelchair the day FH and I get married, I hope we get a picture of him popping a wheelie! LOL

People never cease to amaze me.

I was originally going to post on something else, but a thread I just read helped me decide to go ahead and do this.

I can't imagine that people actually ask me if I'm going to do something for my mother at the wedding.
Yes, I'm going to forget my own mother at my wedding. I really appreciate that insinuation.

I don't like "Your momma" jokes (or "yo momma," as some prefer). You can joke around all you want. I'll defend my family and friends if you talk about them. But I'd be lying if I said you didn't run the risk of getting slapped or punched if you talked bad about my mother.

For as long as I can remember, my mother was sick.
And for as long as I can remember, there were moments where she was crabby as hell about it.

I didn't like it. I didn't understand it. At times it pissed me off.
There were times where she struck me as lazy. As mean. As kinda kooky.
She didn't like walking, and when we went out to eat we had to convince her to go with us into the store after eating. The nurses in the facility loved her, particularly in her good moods, but sometimes she just gave them hell. And my mother was goofy as can be.
But I loved my mother. Make no mistake about that. Everybody loved my mother.
Maybe not as much when she was in one of her moods, but my mother was a lovable person.

Scratch that, my mother IS a lovable person.
My mother may be dead, but that doesn't make me think any less of her.

My mother was given about 4-5 years to live, and instead she got nearly 20. If I ever have a pity moment about it, then I try to remind myself of this fact.
I can't be greedy. I got my mother at least four times longer than everybody had expected.

I remember when I was 6 and we lived in Virginia, I'd gotten really interested in throwing a football. Mom and I were taking a walk around the block, and she took the football from me, ran a little bit, and then stopped to wait for me. And we laughed.

In July of this past year my mother had a stroke.
Friday July 16, to be precise. I was working on my internship at the facility she stayed at, and then I left early to make sure I would catch my plane to get to our family reunion 1,300 miles away. And after I landed there that night (evening??) we were driving and got a call that my mother was in the hospital.

I hate to admit it, but over the years I've become rather jaded about hospital visits.
I hate hospitals, but I've gotten used to being in them. She had appointments all the time. Back in January she was in a rush to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night, fell, and had to get stitches in her eyebrow. My senior year of high school she pretty much dropped like a rock at the front of a store and an ambulance took her to a hospital, and that February she was in the hospital for quite some time for testing.
There were times when I'd get home and she'd fallen down the stairs.
My dad and my sister remember worse stuff than that, her drinking a "drink" she made out of cleaning supplies, or having a metal pan in the microwave. The years, the accidents, the moments that led up to the discussion of whether or not we should have her catheterized.

God, I feel like I'm talking about a dog. "Have her catheterized." It sounds like "Have her spayed."
Ugh.

But after all the moments, and the hospital visits, and all the time I took for granted visiting my mother... She's still my mother.

In high school not only did people think I was an only child (youngest of 3, older sister never went to my school, older brother doesn't share my last name) but people also tended to think that I was brought up in a single parent household.

My mother embarrassed me. As a 14-year-old, it was mortifying to know that my mother had bad balance and that she would talk to anyone and everyone. She used to joke with strangers about giving me away.
...
When you're five, that kinda hurts.

As I got older (well, in the last 2 years) I finally discovered why my mother and I would argue so much, and why she would call me names and maybe try to smack me when we argued.
No, I never tried to chalk it up to parenting. Because when we argued we argued.
Yeah, I yelled right back and on occasion I called names too, but I never hit my mother.
And there were times when I couldn't stand her.

But now I finally understand somewhat. I guess.

There are times where I wonder if it would've turned out differently if I just hadn't caught my plane to the family reunion. I was in a hurry to leave but make sure I had my work done, and I didn't bother to check on her before I left the facility and rushed out to the airport.
I also wonder why I didn't spend more time with her when she was in the hospital.
I avoided going, because I hated seeing my mother hooked up to wires and tubes - and for the most part the tubes were the only thing keeping her breathing.
And I had my summer classes, and I had my internship to finish up in about 2 weeks and I still needed hours, and I had my life to get to.

And I thought that, as usual, things would be ok and she would get to go home.
And then things would be back to normal.

Then I realized a day or two before we took her off, that my mother would NOT be going home.
Or, as some people saw it, she would be going home, but not here.
When I saw that I tried to spend more time in the hospital reading to her and spending time with her. I wonder why I didn't read with her more when I had the chance.

Instead I watched my sister, my grandma, and my aunt read to her. And then I either just sat there or I left to do whatever.

Then July 30, on my birthday... I have never had such a sucky birthday in my life. In addition to the crappy week, running in circles, picking up people from the airport, chauffeuring them around... My grandmother got on a plane to go back home, because even though we were taking her child off of a ventilator the next day and even though her granddaughter was turning 20 that day, she couldn't stand to see her child laying in that hospital bed like that.
...
But I was supposed to watch my mother like that, and not have my grandmother with me?
Oh, and to top it all off... We went out to dinner for my birthday! Because apparently my family doesn't understand what "I don't want to do anything on my birthday" means, and that what I "really" want is to go out, despite me not saying so. Because apparently I want to see people on my birthday and be forced to play nice with the bitch that my father married. Her and her hellion children. Because I wanted to have to watch my father sitting next to this woman as my mother lay in the hospital, regardless of the fact that my parents were finally divorced at this time, and because I wanted to sit next to my aunt who decided that then was an appropriate night to be ordering some vodka or whatever she was drinking.
Yes, because that's the perfect birthday outing.

And then the next morning I got to stand next to my mother, hold on to my family, and cry as we watched my mother gasping for air without a tube stuck down her throat.

...
And i couldn't even get a picture of what she looked like, alive, without a tube stuck down her throat, before the gasping began.

I'll be honest, it was horrible. FH was there through the whole thing, holding hands with the rest of us, and he cried with the rest of us, and then for a while after that he just felt HORRIBLE.
I forgot the rest of us were used to being in the hospital...
My mother liked him. Sometimes I wonder if she liked him more than she liked me, because she was certainly nicer to him... But I'm glad she liked him. There was one time where he and I picked her up from the facility. She didn't want to hold on to my arm, wanted to hold on to the rail instead, and fell (or almost, I don't quite remember). She wouldn't let me help her, but when I asked if she'd let him help her then she did.

At the same time, it was not something that we'd expected. The doctors gave her morphine "to ease her suffering," but as her daughter who didn't know what to expect, but thought it would be quiet and painless, do you know what I saw?

I saw my mother, gasping for air, my family using the hose to suction the liquid out of her mouth so she didn't choke, and occasionally a doctor coming in to add some more morphine... And then I saw the blood going in the suctioning tube, and I really started crying.
Maybe it's just me, but I have never thought of seeing blood as a "good" thing.

My aunt and I scoured stores to find a pretty dress for my mother to wear for her viewing and her funeral
This is what we found:
http://www.vonmaur.com/Product.aspx?ID=21660&Sale=n&pg=4
Or at least something along those lines, but in a deep purple.
The used to sell a very similar one at David's Bridal, but I can't find it on the website...

My sister and I decided not to have her buried in her rings... She never took them off (or rarely, if at all). My sister wears one and I wear the other.

...
For someone to ask me if I'm going to do anything at the wedding for my mother, that takes a lot of nerve. And I mean a LOT.
I don't always think about my mother for a long time, but I certainly think about her daily.
There are some things you don't forget. And the first 20 years of my life (give or take blips here and there because it's thought that people can't remember before the age of about 3) and the week the followed with the viewing and my mother's funeral... I don't know how somebody thinks I could forget my mother.

So the answer is this: YES, I'm going to do something for my mother. NO, I won't tell you. And YES, for a moment I wanted to smack you for even asking me that!

I have yet to figure out which I'd freak out over more: losing my engagement ring, my promise ring, or my mother's ring.
I'm inclined to believe that losing my mother's ring would come with the biggest blow.
A marquise-shaped diamond ring can be replaced.
My promise ring can be replaced - maybe not 100%, but I know they still make the style with other stones, i'm sure I could find a ruby one.
My mother's ring, on the other hand... I wouldn't WANT to replace it. She wore it for at least 20 years. Yeah, the other two have sentiment, and there's no way I'd give up any of my rings... But it's my mother's ring. And that's all there is to it.

I love my mother, I always have, and I always will.
There are very few things in my life that i regret, because I don't want to live my life regretting things, but I regret not spending more time with my mother when I had the chance. And not just the two weeks between me leaving for the airport and the day after my birthday.

She's Like the Wind

(Ahh, the title from a Patrick Swayze tune. I love the movie Dirty Dancing. And yes, Patrick Swayze actually DID sing this song.)

So, um... I'm getting married in 50 days! Talk about exciting :)

It's interesting to think about all the things that are coming together - and scary to think about those that haven't.

For instance, with graduation coming up, I really need to step up my hunt for a full-time job. I've put in a few applications for jobs that I really wouldn't mind, in addition to the one I already do on the weekends, but I haven't heard anything back.

It's especially frustrating, because I'm so qualified for one of the jobs I applied for that it's ridiculous. I have experience doing exactly what they need! ... But wouldn't I have gotten called a week or so ago for an interview, if that's the case? I applied a month ago...

On that note, as a college student preparing to graduate and get married, I actually have 3 jobs right now. But I'll only be able to hold onto one of them after graduation. It's kind of hard to tutor on campus when you won't BE on campus, isn't it? And the other job, well, I'd be driving an hour down the road to get to it.
The one an hour away is like the job that I DO plan to keep: there is never any guarantee for hours. I have a steady client every weekend, but if we're being real with each other, clients don't last forever.

Man, that's depressing. Especially since my client is super sweet.

On to happier notes! Later today FH and I will be taking ANOTHER tour at our new apartment complex! He told me last night that he thinks the office is getting irritated with him. This is our third visit. The first one was by ourselves. The second included my dad, his younger brother, and his parents, just to see what they thought of our top pick. And now this one, after we've applied and put down a deposit, been accepted, and have our new address(!!), this tour will be so we can physically measure what's going on with the room. There's a difference between being given a copy of the floor plan of our apartment and actually being able to measure what fits.

We have a fireplace :)

If there's enough space, I would love nothing more than to bring in a couple recliners, put them in front of the fireplace, and read with my future hubby and have Domino sleeping in front of us :)

It's amazing to see what's coming together, and how people have your back.
I know since my dad brought his now-wife into the picture, our relationship crapped out. Hardcore. Which is hard, because I've always been Daddy's Little Girl. And this woman and I REALLY don't like each other. Her younger daughter and I are ok. Her older daughter hates me and, if we're being honest, I don't give a damn. There is no requirement for her to like me. Although I have to say, since she wants to be rude enough to ignore me, even when I say "hi" or that I'm taking the dog she supposedly really likes to the vet to see if his vision is ok, then I'll be damned if she shows her behind up at my wedding.

But since my dad has remarried and my mother is no longer alive, my dad said that I can point out whatever old furniture of theirs that FH and I want, and we can have it. Well, most likely have it. Right now it's highly likely we'll be getting the furniture in the den (couch and love seat), as well as my parents' old bed.
My dad and i are also going to get out my mom's old dresser. Before mom got sick 20 years ago (yes, my life) they had plans to refinish her dresser together. So he and I are going to do that. I thought about including FH on it, but I think this is a father-daughter project and that it should remain that way.
Bittersweet, but I'm really looking forward to it.
The only question now is how to redo it. It's sort of this antique white, which is really pretty. It's been that color all of my life, and I don't know how I feel about changing it. I don't know if I want to do an update of that color, or if I want something more wood-toned...

What do you do when you take something of your dead mother's and change it completely?
I mean, it's not like I'm chopping it up or anything. It's just... weird to think about, I guess. My mother's been dead about 8.5 months, and some days it feels like I can just drop by the assisted living facility and go see her. Other days it feels like it's been ages since she's been gone.

...
I don't know what I'll do for my birthday this year. Or if my birthday will ever feel the same. Because once midnight hits at the end of my birthday, then it'll be the anniversary of the day we pulled my mother off what was essentially life support.

I try to think of this positively, because my mother never wanted to be on life support. But at the same time, we pulled my mother off life support the day after I turned 20. 6 days before my sister turned 27. And no matter how you think about it, it still comes with a sucky feeling. Because that stroke ruined what I had left of my mother.

I'm going to go now. I had free time to type this because my client is asleep, but if I'm being honest... Crying at work is no good. And I have no desire to start.

Ahh, life.
Life is.
(You complete that sentence, if it feels incomplete to you.)