Learning by Burning? Nope, Avoiding Burnout!

I know I just posted a new blog very recently (as in, less than two minutes ago as I type this), but this is an issue important enough to me that it deserved its own post.

Burnout.

So far, it's something I've managed to avoid. But in the last couple months (specifically, February with its crazy test prep and anxiety and everything) it seemed like burnout was something that was going to hit me - and hard.

It's no secret among my friends that I'm a bit of a night owl. But I'm starting to get it together and try to go to bed, uh, BEFORE midnight or one in the morning (see also: No more checking Groupon right at midnight! ... Yes, yes I am that person... Or I was, at least).
I also have to wonder if part of that had to do with me being tired.

To condense a suuuuuper long story, it's been stressful. Super stressful. If you've checked out previous posts, you know about comps. I've also not been working as much as I used to.

Correction: I'm working more, when you add in my internship, I just wasn't getting paid for it.

Nothing like basically working a full-time job and not getting paid for it, huh?

On the same note, because my schedule has been reduced to only weekends for my one job, and my stable client moved to be by other family, I haven't been working much.
See also: three hours every other weekend.
(Mind you, this client I see every other week is such a sweetheart. Love her!)

But the fact remains, I was relying on my husband for income. What I was making wouldn't even cover our gas bill sometimes (No, I will not say how much the paycheck is, or what our gas bill is... But either way, it's a big drop from working 15-ish hours every weekend). And I was sick of it. Sick of it, and worrying myself sick because I just want to make sure bills get paid, and for a while when we first got married we'd had an agreement that I would be the predominant provider due to school scheduling and all. I wasn't used to relying on someone else, but I WAS used to working my tail off.
And after a while, especially as I realized that I was racking up internship hours (BTW, I'm OFFICIALLY done with them! Nearly 200 over my total minimum needed), but I was tired. I was frustrated. I was appreciated, and I knew it, but it was hard. Especially when I'm used to doing the math to make sure bills get paid, even though I KNOW they'll get paid. I can't recall ever having been late on a bill.

But it was always me saying "I'll take care of it", simply for the fact that my family stresses education BIG-time. And I already have my Bachelor's degree, and I didn't want my husband to worry about finances while completing his... And there was no was he was dropping out of school to work. No way.

Eventually it takes its toll on you.

I have to say, I'm super excited that I've been hired on as an official full-time staff at my internship. It's exciting. It's exhilarating, and enjoyable, and it gives me such an opportunity to learn (and grow and be more flexible - it's amazing what having a set of keys can do...). I've enjoyed the staff since I started there - actually, today felt like it was my first day again, I was that excited and happy, and the consumers were excited to hear that I'd be staying on.

However, a small part of me wondered... Is it the excitement getting RID of the tinglings of burnout, or is it the excitement HIDING those feelings?
Either way, I tend to use the excitement to my advantage.

Let's face it, as an unpaid intern working 30-40 hours a week... Who'd already completed her minimum required hours, and far EXCEEDED them... After a while, you start losing the motivation to... Show up early or on time (I know, cardinal sin in the workplace! Horribly shameful, and something I know better than to do). To feel good about going.

One of the things we talk about in the Anxiety and Phobia group that I lead there... Is "Personal Meaning".
I have to say that being hired there... Gives me a sense of meaning when being there. More than before. It gives me a sense of direction. I can learn more about the position. Help out more. Get more into the documentation side of things, learn more about the processes. Not feel like I'm nagging someone when I have scheduled a one-on-one meeting with someone, and I need keys to open the phone room. Be able to meet with more individuals one-on-one.

Oh, and here's a big one: I feel more accepted.

Not that I wasn't to begin with, but when the desire, anticipation, excitement, and determination start waning, and burnout starts setting in... It's kind of hard to be enjoyable to be around, I'm sure, and when it's comes to wondering if someone will be reliable... That shouldn't happen, but I know it's something that happens to many, many people out there in the world.
My head's been churning with ideas, with the possibilities of the things I can do and the ways I can contribute - that was a big thing with me before I switched departments at my internship. I was welcome, until it became apparent that there were many things that, as an intern, I couldn't do alone. Then I became a bit of an annoyance to at least one person. Thankfully someone understood - the guy who was in the program with me, and interned in another department before he was hired. He understood that it wasn't easy, and that it could be terribly limited, and for that I'm grateful.

Ok, enough of my gabbing about burnout and the importance of having a sense of meaning and direction. I think I'm done blogging for the night. Thank you and thank you ☺

Marching away!

Yes, yes, that was my cheesy way of incorporating into the blog that it is now MARCH of 2013. And what an exciting month it has been so far! It's almost absurd how much excitement has been happening.

Also, as a heads up... My brain is working in bullet points in order to sort everything out. So it's all wrapped up in a nice, neat package... That is hardcore sealed with tape in every opening for security (and a little bit for fun, to watch people try to find a place to pry it open... Yes, I am THAT person at Christmas and on birthdays. No paper is left in tact when I'm around! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, random maniacal rant over)

• On March 1st (a week ago today) I took the written portion of the test that I need to pass in order to graduate with my Master's in May. I felt SO much better about that portion than I did about the CPCE (160 multiple choice questions). The sections I got were: Careers, Groups, Consulting, and Multicultural. Pretty much everyone I've talked to feels much better about their 4 essays than they did about the CPCE.
• I believe the scores you can receive are: high pass, pass, low pass, and no pass. You're only allowed one "no pass" for an essay, and if you get one then you have to redo that essay immediately. If you get more than one "no pass", well, you have to retake the entire written portion the next time it's offered - and in this case, that's in the fall. Which would delay graduation until December, if that were to happen. But I'm fairly confident in my essays, the only exception being Careers. Seriously, they talk to us about theories in the majority of our classes, but theories specific to Career Counseling?? They were only in that class. Go figure... But hopefully I'll find out soon!
• On March 4th I met with my internship supervisor and my instructor. It's always great to get compliments; my supervisor occasionally remarks that I'm probably the most prepared intern he's ever had.
• On that same token, one of my goals to work on (and one of my biggest insecurities regarding counseling) is theories. More specifically, working to identify my theoretical orientation, and learning more about it. I have a basic idea of the theory I mesh with best (CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) but often I find it hard to put into words. That and I barely got out of Theories with a B-. Originally I had a C+, but I emailed the professor and he bumped me up. If you get two C's in this program then you get put on academic probation. If you get three C's, you're out of the program. You can appeal your grades and all, but even without emailing my professor, I wasn't feeling especially confident in that particular class.
• On March 5th... Well, I went to class. And I spent time talking with one of the girls who works at my internship about possibly applying for the open position at my internship. She told me to think over it that night, but basically have my decision made the next day, because it's a vacant position they need filled and, while they like me, it'll probably get filled fast.
• That day I also went to our apartment complex office about a 2-bedroom apartment. No, nothing like a baby or anything, so don't get to freaking out! Just more space. A girl can only have so many bookshelves in a 1-bedroom apartment without tripping over stuff, right? And then I went and worked out, and I met someone in the fitness room! It was weird, he was nice AND he actually talked to me! Not usually something I get while in the fitness room, that's for certain.
• March 6th... I spoke to my site supervisor about the open position. She told me to get on the paperwork. I forget what else happened.
• March 7th (this being yesterday) my site supervisor gave me a copy of the application, and told me I basically already had the job but that I still had to fill out the paperwork. And shortly thereafter I had a staff member tell me "welcome aboard". Which reminds me, we have a new staff member on my team. She's beyond nice, and she was excited to hear that I was taking the open position.
• Even better! I got home, saw that there was mail from the department at school... The hubs had to open the letter for me, I was so nervous... But I passed the CPCE! Which means that assuming that the essays turn how how I'd like them to, I'm graduating May 4!!!!!
• Oh, and to top it all off, a book I've been waiting on finally came out. It was 2.5 months past the original deadline, due to author illness, but I'm so excited for it. I finished it tonight, and I'm looking forward to when the final book in the trilogy comes out in April or May.
• If I haven't mentioned... I'm a sucker for romance novels. The book I've been waiting on is called Armando Returns, and it's by Reeni Austin.
• Aaaaaaand today, March 8... I turned in my application for the position, as well as a copy of my resume. AT about 10:15 this morning, less than two hours after I turned everything in, I got a call from HR confirming my acceptance of the position, some super basic information, and that my official start date is Monday! See also: I'm going to be getting PAID to do what I've been doing the last few months. Also, more responsibilities, but no big. Bring it on!
• Unfortunately this means that I'll be switching teams and will be working with different consumers than I've been working with the last 4.5 months. That is, I'll be working with the same people, but less intimately with some and more intimately with others. It's disappointing, but I'll look at it as an opportunity for growth. And I know the new staff on my (original) team loves the team, and that she'll be great.

I have my first full-time job! I feel like such a big girl now! ☺

And that's the previous week of my life in a nutshell, basically. Also, tomorrow I'll (hopefully) be attending a counseling conference on campus. I'm excited, they JUST started offering it free to students. I was going to try to go before they announced that, but now I'll definitely be trying to go.

The last first day of my program!

I'm gonna be completely honest, I hope wasn't my last first day of a semester in my education ever. I think I mentioned a while ago that I'm currently waiting on a decision from three doctoral programs... I'd forgotten what it was like to just... Wait. I've been checking on my applications for over a month now, and the status shown online still says the same thing:

Submitted.

It's a relief to see that word when you're concerned about whether or not a test or homework assignment got turned in, but not when you would like it to say "Under Review". I'm hoping to find out something (positive) soon.

Today (that is, Monday, not Tuesday, since it's after midnight) was my first day back at school this semester. And my last first day for my current school program!

The day as a whole started off pretty nicely. Got to my internship, did our morning meeting, ran my group... Then I started on paperwork and I thought I was going to die.

Ok, not that bad, but long story short? Cramps + IUD don't mix. I kinda felt like I was being crushed from the inside.

I should clarify, now that I have the IUD my menstrual cramps don't feel like the usual menstrual cramps. Hell, if I have them I don't notice them. All I notice is THE SQUEEZING FEELING. Yes, all bolded, larger font, and in caps is a start at being sufficient enough to describe it. Note that I said "a start".

I ended up heading home before lunch to hopefully find some food I could stomach so I could take 800 mg of ibuprofen (yes, you read that correctly: 800 mg), and get some sleep with the hope that I wouldn't oversleep my first class back. Or, you know, vomit.

I have to say, nothing makes me feel quite as... Pathetic. Yes, pathetic. Nothing makes me feel quite as pathetic as knowing that not only did I bail early because I had cramps, but that I had to take a doctor-approved dose of a pain reliever (a pain reliever that often isn't recommended for runners, unless I'm mistaken - I've heard both ways) so that I would quit feeling like my uterus was about to be sucked out of me. Which already sounds forceful and gross and agonizing and all that other (not-so-) fun crap.

On the plus side, I restarted a book I'd read (and loved) previously. Any romance novel fans, Jennifer Crusie fans, or... I don't know how to define what Bob Mayer writes, but Bob Mayer fans... If you haven't checked out Agnes and the Hitman, I HIGHLY recommend it. Especially if you've got a good sense of humor. Southern mob, a hot hitman, good food, a dog named Rhett (yes, Rhett, as in Gone With the Wind Rhett), and swingin' frying pans!

Then I got my nap, and all was well.

As far as classes go, I'm really looking forward to this semester. Not just because it's my last semester before I graduate with my M.S. (knock on wood! Comps are next month!), but because so far classes are looking good! Granted, I've only got two classes this semester, and I've only had one. But the benefit to being so far along in my program is that my internship class? There are only 8 of us, if you include our (pretty cool) instructor. My Human Growth class is on Tuesday evenings, so I have yet to experience it, but I hear it'll be pretty easy. Mostly writing. And I took a Human Growth course in undergrad, so here's hoping that helps.

It's interesting, though: There's no required book for this class. The Blackboard shell isn't even online, so I don't know who is in my class, although with some hunting I can figure out how large the class is... It looks like there are 24 people (including myself) in the class.

My internship may very well end up leading to a job. I'm unsure of how I feel about it. On the one hand, I spend 30+ hours a week there, and it would be lovely to be paid for it. On the other hand, I know good and well that not only am I waiting on doctoral decisions, but that if I get accepted I may not be able to work there. Or if I do, it will have to be part-time - which I suppose isn't horrible. Let's be honest, that's not bad at all.

Now on to running!

What, you didn't think I could make it a whole post without talking about this journey, did you? ;)

Ok, ok, I thought I could, but we're getting down to crunch time with the countdown, and I'm just excited to be going to Disney next month! Everything is just under 45 days away. About 44 days and 23.25 hours, actually - according to the runDisney website, of course!

I didn't get a run in tonight like I'd planned. Too easily distracted by the fact that I'm making our running tutus. And they. Will. Be. AMAZING! I'm going to post pictures and everything when I finish them, because the ideas I've got are so exciting!

Another reason I *may* have put off running, in addition to a lack of time and all that fun jazz when compared to everything else going on right now, is probably nerves surrounding my lovely running fuel. Since Friday's awful post-run episode of GI distress, I've gotten a couple other types of running fuel to try. I've long since established that Gatorade is not my friend. I'm adding GU to that list, although I don't know if that includes the GU Chomps, which I'd already purchased. I've bought Hammer Nutrition gels (one in Apple-Cinnamon flavor, one in Tropical), and some Hammer Nutrition Perpetuem Solids in Strawberry-Vanilla, which I don't have to worry about mixing into a drink.

And excitement of excitement, Jelly Belly makes sport jelly beans! Now THOSE I'm excited to try!

There are some other brands of fuel I was looking to try. I've heard from lots of people that Honey Stingers is good, and that Nuun has really been nice for people with sensitive stomachs.

Speaking of supplements, I picked up some Calcium Magnesium Zinc, which my dermatologist suggested when I talked with him about the half a few months ago. He didn't tell me that they'd be so large!

(That's what she said)

Although I don't know what I was expecting. But it certainly wasn't to take 3 a day.

Before I go, I think I've decided on a new name for this blog. I'm thinking it's going to go from "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" to "A Runner in the Making". But it's been over a year so naturally I've grown attached to the current title of this blog, even though I don't dance even half as much as I used to. Not even close. I'm lucky if I'm gettin' down in front of the bathroom mirror nowadays.

Well, I've rambled on quite enough for the night. It's bedtime. Toodles!

I admit to being a little confused

Who out there has a dream or a goal, something they wish they could do? Even if it's not something like "This is the job I want to do for the rest of my life," but still a dream of "I'd like to at least be able to say I've done this."

Is it weird that I'm feeling the need/desire to get all of these things done?
Like get my CNA, get ordained, become a certified life coach, renew my CPR cert... become a certified wedding planner...

I mean, to an extent I find all of these things useful - although the wedding planning bit might be excessive, but the idea stands that I might be able to use psychology as a wedding planner. Heck, they like us in sales, right??
And no time like the present to start doing things I've thought about doing, right? (within reason, of course. $500 CNA course? nooooo. gotta pick a time to do something I can *afford*)
And hey, who wouldn't want a Social Services or Activities Director in Assisted Living who can train to do a funeral? (... lol? ...)

But I feel like I'm bouncing all over the place. I don't want to use it all as "filler," just stuff to keep myself occupied... But I *do* think that some of these things will open doors for me.
The life coach bit, I'm not sure what that will really do for me, but it was recommended by a professor...
Also, I'm concerned that on a resume it'll look like I'm just "there."

I guess I'm worried that counseling may not be my "thing," although I know that this is actually quite silly, especially because I've been comparing myself (in my first semester) to people who are ready to graduate or have at least been in the program a couple years. And it'd be nice to have credentials to fall back on.
Or, at the very least, I'll be able to look at myself and go "I did something I wanted to do."

(Anyone ever read Bookends by Jane Green? Main character Cath quits her job to do what she's dreamed of doing and open a bookstore, and at her farewell party her former boss says s/he's jealous because Cath is taking the risk to do what she's dreamed of doing and the boss isn't)

I must say that I'm feeling perfectly inadequate right now.
I have a job that's willing to work around the hours I'm unavailable. Heck, just the fact that I have a job.
Not only that, but the people I work with/for are wonderful. They're really sweet, and I love popping by the office to see them. If possible, I would like to continue working there.

But the fact remains that I need a steadier full-time job. And nobody wants me. Or I look "good," but "good" is not the same thing as "good enough."

I really don't know what I'm trying to say.

I remember when the hubs and I got engaged, and I started planning our wedding... And planning with different budgets, working the breakdown of budgets, areas to skimp on, areas to not skimp on, looking at dresses, planning things, finding invitations... I really felt that at some point I wouldn't mind helping other people plan out their weddings. Even if it was just a friend (and who knows, maybe one friend's wedding can turn into a friend's friend's FRIEND'S wedding).

I guess I just have all these ideas or dreams or whatever, but no clue how to get to them and make them work.

Oh, and the CPR thing is just useful. Like if I get back into babysitting to make extra cash, lots of people want a babysitter who knows CPR. And even though my CPR cert recommends I renew it in July, I know well enough that a CPR cert really is only a year-long thing for constant training and brushing-up. The place I got it recommended redoing it at least every two years.

Heck, I still haven't forgotten about my idea of brushing up on my photography skills enough to take pictures for people - even amateur wedding/engagement/family ones, as long as they're nice. As well as maybe becoming a bartender.

I look at all these things... Bartending, photography, wedding planning, being a CNA... and I see how much more money I could make, how much MORE I could contribute to the life my husband and I live, without always being concerned about if I can make enough to get rent paid and pay for gasoline and groceries and bills and, well, LIFE... How I would be able to do things like work more reasonable hours (yes, I know brides are not always reasonable!) and actually have free time around the same time as my husband, as opposed to only being free whenever he's at work or has homework to do.

I'm frustrated.
And I'm thinking.

Oh, I also got ordained last night by Universal Life Church Monastery (ULC) as well as American Marriage Ministries (AMM). Although I ordered the certificate from ULC. It's cheaper, and I don't need to register in the state of Nebraska. LOL.
So at least there's one thing off my list that I don't have to complain that I never did.

That is all. For now :)

Sittin' on top of the world

Actually, I'm not sitting on top of the world, in a manner of speaking.

Where am I?
I'm actually sitting in my bathroom floor, listening to my wedding dress drip dry.

Why, you may ask?
Well, I decided I was going to handwash it.

Actually, it was a very productive day in that regard. I found a drying rack at Target, which was something I'd planned to get anyway (yay for a place to put bras!). I also picked up a fairly cheap garment steamer, which I'll use on my veil (or will return if it just sucks). And I bought a new iron!
It's sad, my iron was just getting a little old or something. I was ironing some fabric to heat it up before using an iron-on transfer for an embroidery pattern (yes, I know how to embroider - and I actually DO it), and next thing I know there's this weird black smudge on my fabric! And to make it better, I have no idea where it came from! I'd been having the issue all that evening, and I was carefully wiping my iron off before using it... yet there was this nasty black sludge stuff on it anyway!

Today FH and I went shopping. FMIL (btw, that's future mother-in-law) took us to the case lot sale at the commissary as well as general grocery shopping as part of our wedding present. YEAH 60 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER! (and they're all double rolls, too!)
I can live without spices, but toilet paper is a necessity in my life.
I know we got sage, oregano, nutmeg, basil, salt, ginger, and a few other spices. I can't remember what other spices we got (I already have whole peppercorns and a few other things), but I DO know that picking out spices was just ridiculously HARD! I was looking at them and realizing that i have most of the spices on the shelf at home... But I never use them!
My FMIL is pretty much awesome for setting us up like this.

Actually, both sets of parents are being pretty awesome. My dad's covering the venue and food, and we're getting some of my parents' old furniture. His parents are getting us new furniture, a washer and dryer, and stuff of that sort.

...
And the wedding dress continues to drip dry.
...

I think it's finally starting to hit me that I'm getting married in a month. More specifically, after midnight it'll be "I'm getting married in 4 weeks!"

But that's not the scary part.
The scary part is the fact that FH and I are moving into our apartment on Friday - 6 days from now!
AND I'll be walking at the graduation ceremony in a WEEK!

I'm so excited, but at the same time it stresses me out.

I'm graduating from college, going from having 3 jobs to having one, and the one job is a job that doesn't even guarantee me hours!
Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it just makes me so unnerved.

FH promised he'd help me find a job in my field of interest, since I just can't seem to find anything... or the jobs that i DO find that interest me, I'm not qualified for (I'm not a CNA, nor do I currently have the time or the money to take the classes at this moment in order to become certified), I can't/won't make it work (one place actually told me I wouldn't be able to further my education due to the demands of the job, and another had shift hours that would be in the evening - which is when I'm trying to take classes in order to have a full-time day-time job!), or for some reason they just don't want me! (and then don't bother to tell me WHY they don't want me)
I honestly fail to see why I wasn't called for a job interview to be the Activities Director at this assisted living facility near here. I've got the experience as an Activities Assistant at another facility. I had experience in the Social Services department, so I know some of the things to do and not to do. I'm a caregiver. I'm CPR certified. And now I'm companion aide certified!
...
Maybe it was just the fact that I wouldn't have been available until after graduation...

You know what the best part is? Only one job I applied to actually told me they didn't want me. Every other job keeps me guessing, and then finally I just have to give up.

Sitting in the floor gets me nowhere in life. And it makes my butt hurt after a while. I'm off to do laundry.

She's Like the Wind

(Ahh, the title from a Patrick Swayze tune. I love the movie Dirty Dancing. And yes, Patrick Swayze actually DID sing this song.)

So, um... I'm getting married in 50 days! Talk about exciting :)

It's interesting to think about all the things that are coming together - and scary to think about those that haven't.

For instance, with graduation coming up, I really need to step up my hunt for a full-time job. I've put in a few applications for jobs that I really wouldn't mind, in addition to the one I already do on the weekends, but I haven't heard anything back.

It's especially frustrating, because I'm so qualified for one of the jobs I applied for that it's ridiculous. I have experience doing exactly what they need! ... But wouldn't I have gotten called a week or so ago for an interview, if that's the case? I applied a month ago...

On that note, as a college student preparing to graduate and get married, I actually have 3 jobs right now. But I'll only be able to hold onto one of them after graduation. It's kind of hard to tutor on campus when you won't BE on campus, isn't it? And the other job, well, I'd be driving an hour down the road to get to it.
The one an hour away is like the job that I DO plan to keep: there is never any guarantee for hours. I have a steady client every weekend, but if we're being real with each other, clients don't last forever.

Man, that's depressing. Especially since my client is super sweet.

On to happier notes! Later today FH and I will be taking ANOTHER tour at our new apartment complex! He told me last night that he thinks the office is getting irritated with him. This is our third visit. The first one was by ourselves. The second included my dad, his younger brother, and his parents, just to see what they thought of our top pick. And now this one, after we've applied and put down a deposit, been accepted, and have our new address(!!), this tour will be so we can physically measure what's going on with the room. There's a difference between being given a copy of the floor plan of our apartment and actually being able to measure what fits.

We have a fireplace :)

If there's enough space, I would love nothing more than to bring in a couple recliners, put them in front of the fireplace, and read with my future hubby and have Domino sleeping in front of us :)

It's amazing to see what's coming together, and how people have your back.
I know since my dad brought his now-wife into the picture, our relationship crapped out. Hardcore. Which is hard, because I've always been Daddy's Little Girl. And this woman and I REALLY don't like each other. Her younger daughter and I are ok. Her older daughter hates me and, if we're being honest, I don't give a damn. There is no requirement for her to like me. Although I have to say, since she wants to be rude enough to ignore me, even when I say "hi" or that I'm taking the dog she supposedly really likes to the vet to see if his vision is ok, then I'll be damned if she shows her behind up at my wedding.

But since my dad has remarried and my mother is no longer alive, my dad said that I can point out whatever old furniture of theirs that FH and I want, and we can have it. Well, most likely have it. Right now it's highly likely we'll be getting the furniture in the den (couch and love seat), as well as my parents' old bed.
My dad and i are also going to get out my mom's old dresser. Before mom got sick 20 years ago (yes, my life) they had plans to refinish her dresser together. So he and I are going to do that. I thought about including FH on it, but I think this is a father-daughter project and that it should remain that way.
Bittersweet, but I'm really looking forward to it.
The only question now is how to redo it. It's sort of this antique white, which is really pretty. It's been that color all of my life, and I don't know how I feel about changing it. I don't know if I want to do an update of that color, or if I want something more wood-toned...

What do you do when you take something of your dead mother's and change it completely?
I mean, it's not like I'm chopping it up or anything. It's just... weird to think about, I guess. My mother's been dead about 8.5 months, and some days it feels like I can just drop by the assisted living facility and go see her. Other days it feels like it's been ages since she's been gone.

...
I don't know what I'll do for my birthday this year. Or if my birthday will ever feel the same. Because once midnight hits at the end of my birthday, then it'll be the anniversary of the day we pulled my mother off what was essentially life support.

I try to think of this positively, because my mother never wanted to be on life support. But at the same time, we pulled my mother off life support the day after I turned 20. 6 days before my sister turned 27. And no matter how you think about it, it still comes with a sucky feeling. Because that stroke ruined what I had left of my mother.

I'm going to go now. I had free time to type this because my client is asleep, but if I'm being honest... Crying at work is no good. And I have no desire to start.

Ahh, life.
Life is.
(You complete that sentence, if it feels incomplete to you.)