The Liebster Award

I was going through my emails last night, and it appears that the lovely Liz over at 2 Love Birds Building Their Nest nominated me for the Liebster award.

Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, "What on Earth is this Liebster award thingy?" Well, I copied the answer for you, direct from Liz's page! (Hi, Liz!):

"So what is the Liebster Award?

The Liebster Award nomination goes to those bloggers who have a following of less than 200 to promote other bloggers to comment and share - even get to know each other!  I think this is great, because it gives you the potential to gather a larger following!  If you get nominated, you cannot nominate the person who nominated you (No tagbacks!).

The point of the Liebster Award is to answer questions, tell 11 secrets about yourself, and nominate 11 other bloggers who fit the criteria.  Here it goes!"

It's very flattering to be nominated. Really, it is. Sometimes I wonder how many blogs just... Don't get noticed. Not like "I'm seeking attention" getting noticed, but just how many times they get passed up in favor of one that's obviously more popular. You've gotta wonder, because there are so many blogs out there. It's like Aladdin:

He had to become a prince just to be noticed for more than being a, uh, nuisance. And then they thought he was amazing. Hello, he had a song about him!.
When I think about that, I remember reading something on Pinterest (probably their FAQ page, for all I know) that says that if you want to attract more followers, the best thing you can do? Is be yourself ☺

Now on with the questions!

11 Questions (posted by Liz for those she nominated)

1. What is your favorite color and why?
   I don't really have a favorite color. I used to say it was pink. Before that it was probably red and black. I'm rather partial to royal blue and bright orange, because those are the colors the hubs and I used in our wedding. I like a lot of colors, especially bright, fun ones!
2. So, you have a blog.  Why?
   I believe I started it as one of those "fitting in" type deals. I was part of a forum with a crowd of women that I grew to become very fond of, despite being from all over the US and various other countries. I kept it because it was fun to have something that I'd worked hard to personalize, and that I put some thought into.
3. What is your goal for this year?
   I have a few different goals.
   1) get all of the stuff with my mother's estate settled
   2) finish my first half marathon
   3) hopefully get accepted into a PhD program
   4) ... Buy a house. We'll see how that one goes.
   5) graduate with my M.S.
   6) get a "big girl" job. depends on how #3 goes
4. What is the best song to describe your mood today?
   That's a really good question. Sometimes I have songs stuck in my head that really have nothing to do with how I feel - and I don't really even like them! If you'd asked me on Tuesday it would've been "Stay Home" by Self, from the movie Shrek.
   Maybe "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey, although I own it on the Rock of Ages soundtrack. Or maybe "Titanium" by David Guetta and Sia. I'm sure if I think long enough, something will stand out. I'm just not feeling it just yet, that's all.
5. Who are the 3 most important people in your life and why?
   Three most important people in my life? Let's see...
   There's my husband. Does that really need explanation?
   There's my dad. I've always been a daddy's girl. If I'm not feeling well, I call my dad. I love my husband, but sometimes I just need to talk to my dad. Our phone calls average about 1:30 long (and by that I mean about a minute and a half), but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
   Third person? Um... Maybe my sister. I'm sure she thinks I'm quirky as can be (that's what big sisters do, right?), but sometimes she just gets me.
6. How did you meet your significant other? (if single, what do you look for in a significant other?)
   My husband and I started dating right after junior year of high school. He actually looked me up on Facebook (mutual friends, all that fun stuff), and I avoided him as much as possible for MONTHS. I mean, seriously, here's this 16-year-old guy talking to me on Facebook. We had art together in 8th grade, but I didn't know him. I didn't talk to him. And we ended up going to rival high schools, although he came to my school for one class a day because his school didn't offer it. But he was persistent about talking to a girl he'd only had one class with nearly 4 years before...
7. If there was a $100 bill laying on the ground, would you take it?  If so, what would you buy with it?  If not, why?
   ... I honestly don't know... I know I'd be likely to pick it up, stare at it for a bit, and look around to see if anyone was looking worried about having lost something. If I was in a store I'd turn it in. I don't know what the person planned to do with that money, or whether or not $100 is something they'd even miss!
   If I were to spend it... I'd probably buy books. Or stuff for my internship... Valentine's Day is coming up, maybe I'd get something for my husband.
8. Compare yourself to your 15 year old self.  What would you tell him/her?
   Oh, good grief. Probably something along these lines:
   "You're in marching band. Enjoy it, and make sure you do it again next year - that's your wonderful director's last year.
   You're going to get braces... As fun as the glow-in-the-dark colors on the retainers are, the plastic Invisalign-style is better suited to your life at this time - band, French class, choir, lunch... And for the love of Pete, WEAR YOUR RETAINER! You don't want to get your retainers back on when you're 21 - right before your first Valentine's Day as a married person, but you do...
   Right now you're in the best physical shape you're ever going to be in. Take care of your body.
   In nearly 8 years you'll be running a half marathon - actually, TWO! Don't let anybody tell you that you can't.
   Your lovely first boyfriend? Yes, the suspenders are hot. When you find the urge to dump him, do it. Listen to your gut - on more than just that boyfriend. He's not right for you. It's not a big deal. The time after the break-up with really suck, but remember it's not a big deal.
   This (sophomore) year you and your best friend will get the chance to attend something that freshmen and sophomores at your school don't usually get to do. When you attend the little conference, SPEAK UP!
   Speaking of friends... That friend you've been wanting to dump? Do it. You fall out of touch anyway, and she's no good for you. She's never going to pay you back, and she's kind of a leech. Can you say toxic? She's known for being a negative, well... you know what the word is. And your best friend? You're going to fall out of touch... Don't let her get away, because she's amazing and you know it. Tell her you appreciate her, and that she's wonderful.
   Also, make sure you say those things to yourself. You're wonderful, but you don't say it enough. You're self-conscious, and you've been dealing with your skin for the last five years (and will be in the future), but that doesn't make you any less of a person. A lot of your papers, and your passion in college, has to do with people, specifically females, and body image.
   Continue sticking up for people, especially those who can't stick up for themselves, because sometimes nobody else will.
   Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Your dad was right when he said that the most you can give someone is your word. Speaking of which, when he asks you what you think of his girlfriend, tell him you hate her. Don't lie to be nice. It'll save you years of grief.
   And tell your mother you love her every day, because you have less than five years left with her, and not telling her as often as you can, even when you're mad and yelling at each other, is the one regret you truly have - the day you fly out to go to that family reunion in 5 years, make sure you're on time to your internship! It's a lot of pressure, but it's important. It's been 2.5 years, you're almost a professional counselor, you've been to counseling yourself (we call it "avoiding countertransference"), but that's the thing that really gets you. P.S. You're going to hate your birthday after all of this, so enjoy it.
   Oh, and music education? You're more suited to psychology. Trust me on this.
   Take care of yourself. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Don't be afraid to take time to learn who you are, and don't hold on to the people who hold you back or use you without being willing to give."
9. What is your worst vice?
   I hate admitting this, but I've been battling with not-so-hot skin for the last 12 years... When I get upset/nervous/anxious... I scratch. I pick. It's horrible, and a lot of the time it's unconscious. And a huge (horrible) habit...
10. Take your age and double it.  Where do you see yourself at that age?
    Well, I'd be 45 (22.5 currently). I really don't know where I'll be. I have dreams of doing things, like being a counseling who (maybe) has her own (well, JOINT) counseling practice. And/or being a photographer. A really nice photographer ☺ And hopefully the hubs and I will have kids. But where I see myself? I don't really have that image just yet.
11. What is the best life advice you can give your followers?
    The thing I heard my dad tell my mom, the thing I've told my family, friends, classmates, clients, the consumers at my internship... Is that you can't take care of anybody else until you take care of yourself. That means physically, that means mentally, that means emotionally. If you're not taking care of yourself but you're taking care of someone else, you may resent it.
    The thing I often told a person who, unfortunately, just didn't seem to get it, is that you need to love yourself, have a good relationship with yourself, before you start looking for someone else to love you. I believe that a healthy relationship with yourself is important.
    
    Also, as I told my relatives at the family reunion because someone was worried about the already-cooked spiral-cut ham that got cooked (again - and therefore ruined. they tried to decorate it to make it cute - nobody ate it), and because they were stressed that nothing would be done in time: Not breathing is for dead people. 'Nuff said, right?

And before I forget, 11 fun facts about me!

1. I. Love. Disney movies.
2. I also love musicals. Rock of Ages is in my head more often than not. I love it!
3. The Nanny and Friends are my favorite TV shows. My husband watches them with me, and he enjoys them, but I just know that at times he thinks I'm completely off the wall.
4. I'm interning at a mental health agency. It was a shaky start for me, but I love it. I started off in the Homeless Services department but, due to a lack of hours, got moved over to the second facility in the Day Rehab Services program.
5. I despise doing the dishes. Seriously.
6. I'm super excited because I finally got a DSLR. DH gave the ok, and now those photography books I've been buying finally hold some more meaning to me because I can explore more with camera settings. My beautiful point-and-shoot left a bit to be desired due to the limited range of settings.
7. I'll be running a half marathon with one of my college roommates next month. And I'm making tutus for us! It'll be awesome, and you can bet I'll be taking TONS of pictures when we're at Disney World, and that I'll definitely be posting pictures.
8. I am a Moon Jogger. I am one of many many many MANY people signed up to run/walk/jog 1,000 miles this year... Although I'm doing the Ultimate Moon Jogger challenge and am working toward 2,013 miles.
9. I'd already paid for my race registration for the Disneyland Half Marathon. Since I decided to register to run for/with a charity, I now need to defer my race registration to another race... I'm trying to decide if I want to do the 2014 Goofy's Race and a Half Challenge at Walt Disney World and begin training for a full marathon, or if I want to do the 2014 Tinkerbell Half Marathon at Disneyland or the 2014 Princess Half Marathon at Disney World (the link takes you to the 2013 race, as that one hasn't happened yet). Or even the 2013 Wine and Dine Half Marathon, but that's cutting it pretty close to the Disneyland Half weekend...
10. If you couldn't tell, I'm really excited about running. I don't it near as often as I should for someone who is signed up for two half marathons and plans on signing up for more races, but I do it. It really makes me feel good because... Maybe it wasn't so much other people telling me I wouldn't be able to do things like that, as it is feeling that I don't want to hold myself back, that I can do more. That I can BE more.
11. I'm graduating with my M.S. in May (knock on wood that I pass both of my comprehensive exams needed to graduate!). Sometimes it makes me proud to say that I'm the youngest person who is about to graduate from the program at this point. When I started it was kinda scary, being barely-21 in the program. I had someone (who is now a friend) say "You're a baby!" (mind you, she's in her 50s, and I'm about the same age as one of her sons. Just a few weeks younger, I think. LOL).
    Even better, I have a husband who SUPPORTS me doing the best I can in school, supports me joining professional organizations and furthering my career, and hopes that I'll get accepted into a doctoral program. It makes him proud (I think he brags on me more than he lets on. haha), and he also knows just how much education means to me, to my family.

Now the 11 questions for those I've nominated:

1. What was your favorite TV show growing up?
2. What is it that you "get" out of blogging?
3. What is your favorite book? Why?
4. What made you decide to repost this and nominate others?
5. What is your favorite memory?
6. What do you do when nobody's watching?
7. If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money, and why?
8. If you could donate to any charity (any specific charity, or a general cause), what would it be?
9. If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
10. What do you love most about yourself? List five reasons why.
11. Chocolate or vanilla?

And then because I couldn't resist adding this particular question (and couldn't pick a question from above to NOT ask):

Let's see... My 11 nominees are (drum roll please!):

1. Amanda at A Whole Lotta Somethin'
2. Amy at EIGHT is GR8
3. Erin at For the love of Disney running...
4. FrozenOJ's Concentrated Life (no name given ☺)
5. Indeah and Ravi at Girls Rolling 20s
6. Amanda at Laughing in a Beautiful World
7. Maze at Learning by Burning
8. Sarah at Life isn't always a fairytale
9. Dee at My Paradise
10. Jaime at The Unlikely Competitor
11. And finally, Ashley at ....Every Little Beautiful Pieces (I can't see how many followers you have, Ashley, but in the event that it's under 200, I definitely didn't want to miss out on nominating you!)

Have at, everyone!

Finding happiness. Part 2

You know, when DH and I got married and the wedding was over and done with, I didn't feel the mysterious "wedding blues" that so many brides talk about. When they finish planning a wedding and then it seems like there's nothing more to do, because they planned and planned and then suddenly everything's over in the spam of one day.

I haven't felt that.
Truth be told, there was no reason for me to feel that. If anything, I was exceedingly glad that the wedding was over. After nearly 2.5 years, stress, stupid people, people trying to tell me what was right or wrong when really it was none if their business (I mean, who gives a damn if I don't have a guest book? Someone offered to give me one because I said DH and I saw no need for one and they didn't think it was right), all the flowers and decorations and ribbons I bought leading up to the wedding (some of which weren't even used), the extra programs and the brand new, unused invitations...
I was more than content leaving all that behind.

Not so content to find out that half the wedding crap ended up in the trunk of my car, reminding me of the things that didn't go all that well... Like how we ran out if rises because there were FAR more military members than I expected present, so I just looked like an idiot with a few extra people standing up front, empty-handed due to the lack of foresight (and their lack of RSVPs, making me have to guess).

And now, a month and a half later, I'm still upset at how my mother's memorial vase was done poorly.
Actually, I think shittily really sums up how I feel about it. I left someone else in charge of the vase and it ended up looking horrible, not doing my mother ANY justice and people were unable to read the engraving I had on the vase.

With the wedding over it was time to get back to real life. I welcomed the change.

But nothing seems different.

I know that might not make all that much sense. But it doesn't really feel like we're married. That can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.

There has yet to be a moment that made me think "wow, I'm really married." Granted, we also both work pretty much opposite times, so most of the time it's trying to spend time together when we're not exhausted. Which is what most couples have to do, I guess...


This morning as I was trying to sleep it occurred to me that a year ago yesterday is when my mother had her stroke.
I don't always think about it, but sometimes can't help but remember that the day she had a stroke, I didn't even visit her. I was running late, so I only got a couple of hours in at my internship. Then I had to leave so I wouldn't miss my flight.
Typically when I was at my internship (at the assisted living facility) I made sure to drop by to see her. Even it was only for a short moment while I was taking mail to the residents all around the building.

It would figure that the day I was too preoccupied to bother was the last day I would've been able to see my mother outside of a hospital. Alive.

I called my sister when I couldn't sleep. It was around two in the morning her time, but she still made time to talk to me. And she made a couple valid points. For instance, I love my mother and she knew that. And my mother loved me
Nothing like a big sister, huh?

I'm not looking forward to the next couple weeks.
I turn 21, and the very next day it'll be a year since my mother died.

Doesn't really seem all that fair.

I figured I'll take off the 31st, even though it's my longest work day (10 hours) for my family. But sensibility says I'll take it off not just for them but to have a moment for me.

... I just hope work doesn't decide I'm taking it off to nurse a hangover. I have am aversion to pain.

I have to wonder what I'll do for my birthday. Going out with my friends sounds like fun. I wouldn't mind trying alcohol. I think.
Although staying home with a book sounds fun, too. I guess. But spending time with people you care about is just as nice.

Well, the next two weeks will work as they please.
And it makes it kind of hard to look forward to a birthday.

People never cease to amaze me.

I was originally going to post on something else, but a thread I just read helped me decide to go ahead and do this.

I can't imagine that people actually ask me if I'm going to do something for my mother at the wedding.
Yes, I'm going to forget my own mother at my wedding. I really appreciate that insinuation.

I don't like "Your momma" jokes (or "yo momma," as some prefer). You can joke around all you want. I'll defend my family and friends if you talk about them. But I'd be lying if I said you didn't run the risk of getting slapped or punched if you talked bad about my mother.

For as long as I can remember, my mother was sick.
And for as long as I can remember, there were moments where she was crabby as hell about it.

I didn't like it. I didn't understand it. At times it pissed me off.
There were times where she struck me as lazy. As mean. As kinda kooky.
She didn't like walking, and when we went out to eat we had to convince her to go with us into the store after eating. The nurses in the facility loved her, particularly in her good moods, but sometimes she just gave them hell. And my mother was goofy as can be.
But I loved my mother. Make no mistake about that. Everybody loved my mother.
Maybe not as much when she was in one of her moods, but my mother was a lovable person.

Scratch that, my mother IS a lovable person.
My mother may be dead, but that doesn't make me think any less of her.

My mother was given about 4-5 years to live, and instead she got nearly 20. If I ever have a pity moment about it, then I try to remind myself of this fact.
I can't be greedy. I got my mother at least four times longer than everybody had expected.

I remember when I was 6 and we lived in Virginia, I'd gotten really interested in throwing a football. Mom and I were taking a walk around the block, and she took the football from me, ran a little bit, and then stopped to wait for me. And we laughed.

In July of this past year my mother had a stroke.
Friday July 16, to be precise. I was working on my internship at the facility she stayed at, and then I left early to make sure I would catch my plane to get to our family reunion 1,300 miles away. And after I landed there that night (evening??) we were driving and got a call that my mother was in the hospital.

I hate to admit it, but over the years I've become rather jaded about hospital visits.
I hate hospitals, but I've gotten used to being in them. She had appointments all the time. Back in January she was in a rush to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night, fell, and had to get stitches in her eyebrow. My senior year of high school she pretty much dropped like a rock at the front of a store and an ambulance took her to a hospital, and that February she was in the hospital for quite some time for testing.
There were times when I'd get home and she'd fallen down the stairs.
My dad and my sister remember worse stuff than that, her drinking a "drink" she made out of cleaning supplies, or having a metal pan in the microwave. The years, the accidents, the moments that led up to the discussion of whether or not we should have her catheterized.

God, I feel like I'm talking about a dog. "Have her catheterized." It sounds like "Have her spayed."
Ugh.

But after all the moments, and the hospital visits, and all the time I took for granted visiting my mother... She's still my mother.

In high school not only did people think I was an only child (youngest of 3, older sister never went to my school, older brother doesn't share my last name) but people also tended to think that I was brought up in a single parent household.

My mother embarrassed me. As a 14-year-old, it was mortifying to know that my mother had bad balance and that she would talk to anyone and everyone. She used to joke with strangers about giving me away.
...
When you're five, that kinda hurts.

As I got older (well, in the last 2 years) I finally discovered why my mother and I would argue so much, and why she would call me names and maybe try to smack me when we argued.
No, I never tried to chalk it up to parenting. Because when we argued we argued.
Yeah, I yelled right back and on occasion I called names too, but I never hit my mother.
And there were times when I couldn't stand her.

But now I finally understand somewhat. I guess.

There are times where I wonder if it would've turned out differently if I just hadn't caught my plane to the family reunion. I was in a hurry to leave but make sure I had my work done, and I didn't bother to check on her before I left the facility and rushed out to the airport.
I also wonder why I didn't spend more time with her when she was in the hospital.
I avoided going, because I hated seeing my mother hooked up to wires and tubes - and for the most part the tubes were the only thing keeping her breathing.
And I had my summer classes, and I had my internship to finish up in about 2 weeks and I still needed hours, and I had my life to get to.

And I thought that, as usual, things would be ok and she would get to go home.
And then things would be back to normal.

Then I realized a day or two before we took her off, that my mother would NOT be going home.
Or, as some people saw it, she would be going home, but not here.
When I saw that I tried to spend more time in the hospital reading to her and spending time with her. I wonder why I didn't read with her more when I had the chance.

Instead I watched my sister, my grandma, and my aunt read to her. And then I either just sat there or I left to do whatever.

Then July 30, on my birthday... I have never had such a sucky birthday in my life. In addition to the crappy week, running in circles, picking up people from the airport, chauffeuring them around... My grandmother got on a plane to go back home, because even though we were taking her child off of a ventilator the next day and even though her granddaughter was turning 20 that day, she couldn't stand to see her child laying in that hospital bed like that.
...
But I was supposed to watch my mother like that, and not have my grandmother with me?
Oh, and to top it all off... We went out to dinner for my birthday! Because apparently my family doesn't understand what "I don't want to do anything on my birthday" means, and that what I "really" want is to go out, despite me not saying so. Because apparently I want to see people on my birthday and be forced to play nice with the bitch that my father married. Her and her hellion children. Because I wanted to have to watch my father sitting next to this woman as my mother lay in the hospital, regardless of the fact that my parents were finally divorced at this time, and because I wanted to sit next to my aunt who decided that then was an appropriate night to be ordering some vodka or whatever she was drinking.
Yes, because that's the perfect birthday outing.

And then the next morning I got to stand next to my mother, hold on to my family, and cry as we watched my mother gasping for air without a tube stuck down her throat.

...
And i couldn't even get a picture of what she looked like, alive, without a tube stuck down her throat, before the gasping began.

I'll be honest, it was horrible. FH was there through the whole thing, holding hands with the rest of us, and he cried with the rest of us, and then for a while after that he just felt HORRIBLE.
I forgot the rest of us were used to being in the hospital...
My mother liked him. Sometimes I wonder if she liked him more than she liked me, because she was certainly nicer to him... But I'm glad she liked him. There was one time where he and I picked her up from the facility. She didn't want to hold on to my arm, wanted to hold on to the rail instead, and fell (or almost, I don't quite remember). She wouldn't let me help her, but when I asked if she'd let him help her then she did.

At the same time, it was not something that we'd expected. The doctors gave her morphine "to ease her suffering," but as her daughter who didn't know what to expect, but thought it would be quiet and painless, do you know what I saw?

I saw my mother, gasping for air, my family using the hose to suction the liquid out of her mouth so she didn't choke, and occasionally a doctor coming in to add some more morphine... And then I saw the blood going in the suctioning tube, and I really started crying.
Maybe it's just me, but I have never thought of seeing blood as a "good" thing.

My aunt and I scoured stores to find a pretty dress for my mother to wear for her viewing and her funeral
This is what we found:
http://www.vonmaur.com/Product.aspx?ID=21660&Sale=n&pg=4
Or at least something along those lines, but in a deep purple.
The used to sell a very similar one at David's Bridal, but I can't find it on the website...

My sister and I decided not to have her buried in her rings... She never took them off (or rarely, if at all). My sister wears one and I wear the other.

...
For someone to ask me if I'm going to do anything at the wedding for my mother, that takes a lot of nerve. And I mean a LOT.
I don't always think about my mother for a long time, but I certainly think about her daily.
There are some things you don't forget. And the first 20 years of my life (give or take blips here and there because it's thought that people can't remember before the age of about 3) and the week the followed with the viewing and my mother's funeral... I don't know how somebody thinks I could forget my mother.

So the answer is this: YES, I'm going to do something for my mother. NO, I won't tell you. And YES, for a moment I wanted to smack you for even asking me that!

I have yet to figure out which I'd freak out over more: losing my engagement ring, my promise ring, or my mother's ring.
I'm inclined to believe that losing my mother's ring would come with the biggest blow.
A marquise-shaped diamond ring can be replaced.
My promise ring can be replaced - maybe not 100%, but I know they still make the style with other stones, i'm sure I could find a ruby one.
My mother's ring, on the other hand... I wouldn't WANT to replace it. She wore it for at least 20 years. Yeah, the other two have sentiment, and there's no way I'd give up any of my rings... But it's my mother's ring. And that's all there is to it.

I love my mother, I always have, and I always will.
There are very few things in my life that i regret, because I don't want to live my life regretting things, but I regret not spending more time with my mother when I had the chance. And not just the two weeks between me leaving for the airport and the day after my birthday.

She's Like the Wind

(Ahh, the title from a Patrick Swayze tune. I love the movie Dirty Dancing. And yes, Patrick Swayze actually DID sing this song.)

So, um... I'm getting married in 50 days! Talk about exciting :)

It's interesting to think about all the things that are coming together - and scary to think about those that haven't.

For instance, with graduation coming up, I really need to step up my hunt for a full-time job. I've put in a few applications for jobs that I really wouldn't mind, in addition to the one I already do on the weekends, but I haven't heard anything back.

It's especially frustrating, because I'm so qualified for one of the jobs I applied for that it's ridiculous. I have experience doing exactly what they need! ... But wouldn't I have gotten called a week or so ago for an interview, if that's the case? I applied a month ago...

On that note, as a college student preparing to graduate and get married, I actually have 3 jobs right now. But I'll only be able to hold onto one of them after graduation. It's kind of hard to tutor on campus when you won't BE on campus, isn't it? And the other job, well, I'd be driving an hour down the road to get to it.
The one an hour away is like the job that I DO plan to keep: there is never any guarantee for hours. I have a steady client every weekend, but if we're being real with each other, clients don't last forever.

Man, that's depressing. Especially since my client is super sweet.

On to happier notes! Later today FH and I will be taking ANOTHER tour at our new apartment complex! He told me last night that he thinks the office is getting irritated with him. This is our third visit. The first one was by ourselves. The second included my dad, his younger brother, and his parents, just to see what they thought of our top pick. And now this one, after we've applied and put down a deposit, been accepted, and have our new address(!!), this tour will be so we can physically measure what's going on with the room. There's a difference between being given a copy of the floor plan of our apartment and actually being able to measure what fits.

We have a fireplace :)

If there's enough space, I would love nothing more than to bring in a couple recliners, put them in front of the fireplace, and read with my future hubby and have Domino sleeping in front of us :)

It's amazing to see what's coming together, and how people have your back.
I know since my dad brought his now-wife into the picture, our relationship crapped out. Hardcore. Which is hard, because I've always been Daddy's Little Girl. And this woman and I REALLY don't like each other. Her younger daughter and I are ok. Her older daughter hates me and, if we're being honest, I don't give a damn. There is no requirement for her to like me. Although I have to say, since she wants to be rude enough to ignore me, even when I say "hi" or that I'm taking the dog she supposedly really likes to the vet to see if his vision is ok, then I'll be damned if she shows her behind up at my wedding.

But since my dad has remarried and my mother is no longer alive, my dad said that I can point out whatever old furniture of theirs that FH and I want, and we can have it. Well, most likely have it. Right now it's highly likely we'll be getting the furniture in the den (couch and love seat), as well as my parents' old bed.
My dad and i are also going to get out my mom's old dresser. Before mom got sick 20 years ago (yes, my life) they had plans to refinish her dresser together. So he and I are going to do that. I thought about including FH on it, but I think this is a father-daughter project and that it should remain that way.
Bittersweet, but I'm really looking forward to it.
The only question now is how to redo it. It's sort of this antique white, which is really pretty. It's been that color all of my life, and I don't know how I feel about changing it. I don't know if I want to do an update of that color, or if I want something more wood-toned...

What do you do when you take something of your dead mother's and change it completely?
I mean, it's not like I'm chopping it up or anything. It's just... weird to think about, I guess. My mother's been dead about 8.5 months, and some days it feels like I can just drop by the assisted living facility and go see her. Other days it feels like it's been ages since she's been gone.

...
I don't know what I'll do for my birthday this year. Or if my birthday will ever feel the same. Because once midnight hits at the end of my birthday, then it'll be the anniversary of the day we pulled my mother off what was essentially life support.

I try to think of this positively, because my mother never wanted to be on life support. But at the same time, we pulled my mother off life support the day after I turned 20. 6 days before my sister turned 27. And no matter how you think about it, it still comes with a sucky feeling. Because that stroke ruined what I had left of my mother.

I'm going to go now. I had free time to type this because my client is asleep, but if I'm being honest... Crying at work is no good. And I have no desire to start.

Ahh, life.
Life is.
(You complete that sentence, if it feels incomplete to you.)