You know, when DH and I got married and the wedding was over and done with, I didn't feel the mysterious "wedding blues" that so many brides talk about. When they finish planning a wedding and then it seems like there's nothing more to do, because they planned and planned and then suddenly everything's over in the spam of one day.
I haven't felt that.
Truth be told, there was no reason for me to feel that. If anything, I was exceedingly glad that the wedding was over. After nearly 2.5 years, stress, stupid people, people trying to tell me what was right or wrong when really it was none if their business (I mean, who gives a damn if I don't have a guest book? Someone offered to give me one because I said DH and I saw no need for one and they didn't think it was right), all the flowers and decorations and ribbons I bought leading up to the wedding (some of which weren't even used), the extra programs and the brand new, unused invitations...
I was more than content leaving all that behind.
Not so content to find out that half the wedding crap ended up in the trunk of my car, reminding me of the things that didn't go all that well... Like how we ran out if rises because there were FAR more military members than I expected present, so I just looked like an idiot with a few extra people standing up front, empty-handed due to the lack of foresight (and their lack of RSVPs, making me have to guess).
And now, a month and a half later, I'm still upset at how my mother's memorial vase was done poorly.
Actually, I think shittily really sums up how I feel about it. I left someone else in charge of the vase and it ended up looking horrible, not doing my mother ANY justice and people were unable to read the engraving I had on the vase.
With the wedding over it was time to get back to real life. I welcomed the change.
But nothing seems different.
I know that might not make all that much sense. But it doesn't really feel like we're married. That can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.
There has yet to be a moment that made me think "wow, I'm really married." Granted, we also both work pretty much opposite times, so most of the time it's trying to spend time together when we're not exhausted. Which is what most couples have to do, I guess...
This morning as I was trying to sleep it occurred to me that a year ago yesterday is when my mother had her stroke.
I don't always think about it, but sometimes can't help but remember that the day she had a stroke, I didn't even visit her. I was running late, so I only got a couple of hours in at my internship. Then I had to leave so I wouldn't miss my flight.
Typically when I was at my internship (at the assisted living facility) I made sure to drop by to see her. Even it was only for a short moment while I was taking mail to the residents all around the building.
It would figure that the day I was too preoccupied to bother was the last day I would've been able to see my mother outside of a hospital. Alive.
I called my sister when I couldn't sleep. It was around two in the morning her time, but she still made time to talk to me. And she made a couple valid points. For instance, I love my mother and she knew that. And my mother loved me
Nothing like a big sister, huh?
I'm not looking forward to the next couple weeks.
I turn 21, and the very next day it'll be a year since my mother died.
Doesn't really seem all that fair.
I figured I'll take off the 31st, even though it's my longest work day (10 hours) for my family. But sensibility says I'll take it off not just for them but to have a moment for me.
... I just hope work doesn't decide I'm taking it off to nurse a hangover. I have am aversion to pain.
I have to wonder what I'll do for my birthday. Going out with my friends sounds like fun. I wouldn't mind trying alcohol. I think.
Although staying home with a book sounds fun, too. I guess. But spending time with people you care about is just as nice.
Well, the next two weeks will work as they please.
And it makes it kind of hard to look forward to a birthday.
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