I know I just posted a new blog very recently (as in, less than two minutes ago as I type this), but this is an issue important enough to me that it deserved its own post.
Burnout.
So far, it's something I've managed to avoid. But in the last couple months (specifically, February with its crazy test prep and anxiety and everything) it seemed like burnout was something that was going to hit me - and hard.
It's no secret among my friends that I'm a bit of a night owl. But I'm starting to get it together and try to go to bed, uh, BEFORE midnight or one in the morning (see also: No more checking Groupon right at midnight! ... Yes, yes I am
that person... Or I
was, at least).
I also have to wonder if part of that had to do with me being tired.
To condense a suuuuuper long story, it's been stressful. Super stressful. If you've checked out previous posts, you know about comps. I've also not been working as much as I used to.
Correction: I'm working more, when you add in my internship, I just wasn't getting paid for it.
Nothing like basically working a full-time job and not getting paid for it, huh?
On the same note, because my schedule has been reduced to only weekends for my one job, and my stable client moved to be by other family, I haven't been working much.
See also: three hours every other weekend.
(Mind you, this client I see every other week is such a sweetheart. Love her!)
But the fact remains, I was relying on my husband for income. What I was making wouldn't even cover our gas bill sometimes (No, I will
not say how much the paycheck is, or what our gas bill is... But either way, it's a big drop from working 15-ish hours
every weekend). And I was sick of it. Sick of it, and worrying myself sick because I just want to make sure bills get paid, and for a while when we first got married we'd had an agreement that I would be the predominant provider due to school scheduling and all. I wasn't used to relying on someone else, but I WAS used to working my tail off.
And after a while, especially as I realized that I was racking up internship hours (BTW, I'm OFFICIALLY done with them! Nearly 200 over my total minimum needed), but I was tired. I was frustrated. I was appreciated, and I knew it, but it was hard. Especially when I'm used to doing the math to make sure bills get paid, even though I KNOW they'll get paid. I can't recall ever having been late on a bill.
But it was always me saying "I'll take care of it", simply for the fact that my family stresses education BIG-time. And I already have my Bachelor's degree, and I didn't want my husband to worry about finances while completing his... And there was no was he was dropping out of school to work. No way.
Eventually it takes its toll on you.
I have to say, I'm super excited that I've been hired on as an official full-time staff at my internship. It's exciting. It's exhilarating, and enjoyable, and it gives me such an opportunity to learn (and grow and be more flexible - it's amazing what having a set of keys can do...). I've enjoyed the staff since I started there - actually, today felt like it was my first day again, I was that excited and happy, and the consumers were excited to hear that I'd be staying on.
However, a small part of me wondered... Is it the excitement getting RID of the tinglings of burnout, or is it the excitement HIDING those feelings?
Either way, I tend to use the excitement to my advantage.
Let's face it, as an unpaid intern working 30-40 hours a week... Who'd already completed her minimum required hours, and far EXCEEDED them... After a while, you start losing the motivation to... Show up early or on time (I know, cardinal sin in the workplace! Horribly shameful, and something I know better than to do). To feel good about going.
One of the things we talk about in the Anxiety and Phobia group that I lead there... Is "Personal Meaning".
I have to say that being hired there... Gives me a sense of meaning when being there. More than before. It gives me a sense of direction. I can learn more about the position. Help out more. Get more into the documentation side of things, learn more about the processes. Not feel like I'm nagging someone when I have scheduled a one-on-one meeting with someone, and I need keys to open the phone room. Be able to meet with more individuals one-on-one.
Oh, and here's a big one: I feel more
accepted.
Not that I wasn't to begin with, but when the desire, anticipation, excitement, and determination start waning, and burnout starts setting in... It's kind of hard to be enjoyable to be around, I'm sure, and when it's comes to wondering if someone will be reliable... That shouldn't happen, but I know it's something that happens to many, many people out there in the world.
My head's been churning with ideas, with the possibilities of the things I can do and the ways I can
contribute - that was a big thing with me before I switched departments at my internship. I was welcome, until it became apparent that there were many things that, as an intern, I couldn't do alone. Then I became a bit of an annoyance to at least one person. Thankfully someone understood - the guy who was in the program with me, and interned in another department before he was hired. He understood that it wasn't easy, and that it could be terribly limited, and for that I'm grateful.
Ok, enough of my gabbing about burnout and the importance of having a sense of meaning and direction. I think I'm done blogging for the night. Thank you and thank you
☺
